I wondered if it would happen and I think it has. I can't be sure, but I'm being cautious. My place of refuge and solice here has been compromised and because my intentions here are to anonymously blog freely, I'm being forced to relocate. Which really isn't all that big a deal since I'd intened to in the next few weeks anyway, I'm just moving up my timetable. So if you want to know where I am, email me and ask for my new address.
***Addendum 8/06 - hell She lurked on my new home for months after I moved, no reason to hide anymore New Home
A blessing and a curse
Fortunately I am not homeless, and it looks like I wont be next month either. As much as I tried to keep my problems to myself, I broke down and talked to my Hero about it. The biggest reason I didn’t want to is because I KNEW he’d fix it. And I didn’t want that. He has enough stuff on his own plate. But as I am blessed with his friendship, it is a curse that I cannot keep something like that from him. He came up with enough to take care of some things, coupled with me talking with my landlord to make arrangements with them for the month. So I haven’t yet gotten back to a great place, but I am at least managing for now.
I can’t lie; my faith is very still unstable. I have read and thought long and hard about the prayers and comments left here for me. Thank you all for your well wishes, they do mean a lot to me. I have struggled for so so long now, it’s hard to hold on to it. And at this moment in life, I don’t feel it. I can look back and see where He has led me, at times when no one else understood where He was directing me except me. I am not blind to those things, but I am unable to draw strength from those things right now. I just don’t feel anything. I have prayed, but I didn’t have any meaning behind it. I know you can say “If You are real, then show me a sign” I know that it doesn’t work like that. But I do not see Him in my life right now, and it’s one of the biggest tests of my faith ever. And I don’t know what the end result will be.
Faith and hope isn't enough to save this one
There have been times throughout my life that if it were not for my son, I would be here writing this today. Not just because I have him, but because there is no one else I can entrust to raise him if I were not here. This moment is life is one of those moments. It would be so much easier to just no longer exist. People who know me, their lives would go on, they could survive. Only because I know my son would not have anyone to raise him in a way I would be accepting of am I still breathing.
I’m facing some very difficult times right now that’s forcing me to make some difficult choices. The school check I was supposed to get, I did not. They "reworked" my financial aid, and it left me owing instead of getting a refund. The money was designated to catch me up on my bills, finally, and get on track finally. I am now so far behind that I am more than likely going to have to give up my apartment. I simply can’t continue to pay the bills anymore, as far behind as I am.
Of course, I have the option of doing "other" things to make some money. I won't elaborate on the "other" options, but none of it is good to me or for me. Some people can do "that stuff" and not feel guilty or not feel judged or not develop insecuries. I'm not one of those people. I've done "other" thing in my past; off and on for the past almost 10 years. Mentally, I just don't think I can handle it anymore. The money is phenominal if you work it right, and over time, I can say in the right market, I can work in right. But not here in Atlanta; it's not all that safe here and I have too much at stake. Being locked up, I might as well not be breathing because it would still come down to my son being with any number of people that I DO NOT approve of.
I don't know where this leaves me. No one knows exactly how severe the problem is. Peaches knows I'm having trouble. My Hero have a little more insight into because he has pretty much taken over a bill. Neither knows I am about to lose my house. I can't be angry at him. As much as I wish that he and I were living together as we were supposed to before She got pregnant, it's not his responsibilty to take care of me or my son. I blame my son's father however for not contributing shit. But at this point, none of it matters. I already feel homeless. I know I shouldn't because Peaches would take me in if I gave up my apartment. And my Hero would put me somewhere if it came down to it. But I don't want anything from anyone. I almost want to suffer on my own. And if it was just me, I'd work it out. But I can't leave this area because of my son's school. He's in a program that I intend for him to stay in.
Sigh...my faith is not getting me where I need to be. A person can only struggle for so long before that faith begin to wane.
So here what pisses me off. Between the asshole of an ex-husband and a job that fails to pay sufficiently, I haven’t been stable in over a year now, which lapses into the time that my hero and I have been together. And in him playing the role he chose for himself early on, he helps me out when I need. And I an eternally grateful for it. I work hard, I am busting my ass to find a new, better, higher paying job. I am college educated, and smarter than the average ( not by my own words). So that struggle alone tears at me all the time. Him providing for me, no matter how small or large always eats at my pride. Yet, She sits up in his house all day. She too is college educated and of an age where I would think she’d be mature enough to bee looking for a job. The six week after baby period has come and gone. And yet my Hero is having to make her go out and look for employment. What kinda crap is that? How can you just live off someone that doesn’t want to be with you? It’s obvious that she’s working off the idea that the longer she doesn’t work the longer she’ll have him. And she’s right, because without him she is homeless, and of course being the mother of his child he is not going to just put her out. And I wouldn’t expect him to. It’s just disgusting to me that a grown ass woman would stoop to that level to keep a hold of something that isn’t there. And what makes it even harder for me is that he basically has to support the both of us; not nearly as much for me as for her, but it’s still double duty for him. And makes me feel that much guiltier about it. I know playing the ‘shoulda/coulda/woulda’ game doesn’t change anything but I know if we both could go back, there would be some things that we wouldn’t have done. We’d be in quite different places right now.
Ever since I have accepted my sexuality, I have developed on crush on a girl at every new job I have started. The last job I held here in Atl before I moved away, I developed a crush on C. C embodied everything in a woman that I was attracted to. She was pretty, but didn’t flaunt herself; she was stylish in her own low key way. In fact her style, personality, everything about her was low key. She wasn’t into clubs, she liked ot stay home and just chill or go to the movies, or the park, stuff like that. At the time, I was still married. And I felt guilty for having a crush on her. Because I really, really liked her. And for a minute it didn’t feel like it was going to go away like it usually does after a couple weeks. My crush on C lasted a few months. But it did eventually go away, and I was able to be “just friends” with her. And she became a very good friend of mine. AS I went through my separation and impending divorce, she was someone to lean on when I just needed to talk. And then I moved away. When I came back, I spoke with her once, and then she dropped off the face of the Earth. At least to me she did. She left the company we used to work for, I heard from an old coworker, and her cell was disconnected. She was lost to me.
Yesterday, I saw her logged on to IM, and I spoke on the off chance she might really eb there. I’d seen her name light up occasionally before and spoken but never got any response. After about an hour, I quit expecting her little box to flash and I closed the window. About an hour or so later, I got “Who is this?” Before the excitement hit, I responded “Q4L”. it could’ve been anyone asking who it was. The “Heyyyy Girl!!” was my Go sign to do my happy dance. I finally got my C back. She was busy at work so we only chatted for a second. Today she hit me up though, not long after I got in to work. I was so happy to have found her and to catch up with her. The weird thing (or I guess not so weird, but more unexpected) was that my feelings for her were back. Not as drastic as before, but I found myself hoping that she and her long time girlfriend has split. She is the only woman that I have ever met that I could see myself in an actual relationship with. However, her relationship is thriving and I am glad (sorta…lol). It amazed be though. I had no idea finding her again would turn those feelings back on. I found myself anticipating her responses in the same way I anticipate those from my Hero when we chat on IM. I am glad to have my friend back, and just as they did before, the feelings will pass. It’s worth it to have a true friend.
Good morning my love
What a better way to wake up in the morning then to a bouquet of flowers sitting at the bottom of your stairs where you are guaranteed to not miss them? Coupled with the sweetest “I miss you” card created.
My mom is coming in to town so of course I’ll be busy with her and won’t have much time to spend with my Hero. He came over Monday to spend a little time and last night I text him that if he had a little time to squeeze in some QT he was more than welcome to come on by. He called me no too long after that to tell me he was on his way to work so he’d knew he wouldn’t get by the house. I understood, especially with him starting a new job this past Monday. We talked about a little rendezvous for Friday night after an event we both plan to attend but not together. I really love this “secret” love affair thing…lol. After settling that, I worked on some homework and went to bed. So imagine my surprise when I awoke to flowers at the bottom of my stairs! You would think we were about to not see each other for an entire month instead of just four days.
I hate that I have to “keep him away” from the house while mu moms is here. I remember the last two times she was here, they were so cool. But since he first broke up with me back in January, she can’t stand him. To her, he hurt her baby. And after the devastation of my marriage, she is not at all forgiving of anyone else hurting me. I hate that she doesn’t see past that, and see how I am happy. But I can’t force her, nor would I try to. I am happy; she just has to live with my decisions.
This is gonna be a great weekend. I’ll have plenty of time to miss him. And yet, our little Friday night rendezvous will be right on time.
I was supposed to have a date with J on Friday. He wanted to take me out as a part of his plan to play backup to my Hero. Those plans got cancelled when his childcare fell through at the last minute. So of course I ended up going out with my Hero. I already had a babysitter in place, I didn't want to waste it. Just amusing that the night I planned to tell my Hero about CT, that CT just happened to be my sitter. He sometimes has my son spend the night when he has his kids for the weekend.
We hit up this club I had been hearing about for years and had never made it to. Something about a club under the ground gives it an interesting appeal. Not the "upscale" type I usually do. I liked it. Nice to have a change of pace. On the way there I told him that his intuition had been right about be sleeping with CT. I didn't go into details but I told him when, and how, and most importantly(at least to me) why I lied. As I expected, he completly understood. He said he'd always known and was pretty sure he knew why I lied about it. The conversation drifted off from there to the chain this had become: he and I, and CT and the other chick. It's amusing to us both; the entire chain of events is just plain amusing.
I told my Hero that the conversation was to remain between the two of us and of course he agreed. I have no doubt that it will. CT claims that my Hero has such a big mouth; he has no idea. There's plenty of stuff he could talk about if he wanted to, but he choses not to. He's not a malicious person just randomly spreading people's business. And he's so much like myself extroverted in appearance but introverted at second glance. Most people just don't take that second glance at him. I'm glad I did.