Saturday, April 30, 2005

The beginnings of a backbone



It all just hit me like a bolt of lightning. And I couldn't focus could slepp, couldn't do anything until I released it.

"One day you are gonna wake up and I am gonna be gone. And I wonder if you care. Or if you will care when that day comes. I have finally come to the realization that you are always going to lie to me. At least as long as you are in the place you are mentally. I don't know what motivates you to do what you do. I don't know if you have a low self worth or you think you are unworthy of being loved, or if you are simply driven by sex. Or if you have some kind of addiction or are simply fulfilled with your ability to manipulate people. I don't know. But as long as you keep me out, I'll never know. Don't be mistaken, I am not asking you to let me in. If and when you ever want to, you will. But when or, I guess, if that day ever comes, it will have to be when you are ready to face whatever it is that is battling within you.

I see within you. I see beauty and love and selflessness.

You give that to me everyday. But I see something else very ugly that is making you...I don't exactly know what it is making you but it is taking you and mutating you. No matter what anyone ever says about you, I know you. The real You. I think you allowed me see the real You and for that I thank you. I think the You that you act out, that everyone else sees is the disguise you hide under. And its a very ugly mask you are wearing. I don't know why you wear it. You may not even know. But I am not yet ready to believe that you are deep down in side rotten. I just dont see that in you.

I love you and I want so much to be there for you and hold you and protect you and stand by you so you can be eveything you need to be and everything you want to be. But you aren't yet ready to be who you are and who you want to be. Therefore, all I can do is sit back and hope that MAYBE possibly that day will come before I am gone.

I pray for you, I do. You are so beautiful and have so much to offer to the world and those you love and who love you. Part of me compares you to my ex; I see you do the exact same things he did. And I tried to do all I could to keep he and I together. But in the end, he didnt want to change. He didnt see a problem within himself. And I had to accept that. I accept that a lot easier now..and while I see that in you...I still see your beauty.

I don't know how you treat the others. I can't imagine you put as much into your dealings with them emotionally as you do with me. I can't imagine anyone has that much in them to give. You give too much to me to have that much left to give to so many others. Of course I could be undereastimating you too. I don't know how much you give to your wife. it doesn't seem to be much because I say again you give me a lot which has to take away from her. But again, none of that is for me to understand. For now, all I will say is when you are really ready...I hope you will come to me. And I have enough faith in God and in our love that I will see the truth if that day ever comes. I hope it is not too late then.

I love you.
I LOVE you.
I love You."

Once I let it out, I knew I needed my Hero to read it. And I needed him to read it in my presence. I needed his reaction to it. Not verbally; his words have become meaningless to me. No, I needed his emotion, which I could only truly receive physically.

So Friday night when he came over, I asked him to read it while I showered. I came out and he was still reading. And when he was done he went to open his mouth to speak. I told him simply I didn't want his response, I didnt write it for a respnose, I wrote it to give to him for him to just Know. He asked me if he could send it to some one..and I knew he was sending it to himself. And in bed, i could feel everything I knew I would Know ...he was gonna run, as soon as the sunlight came up,he was gonna go and I would have gotten the lame excuse I got back in January when he tried to go before "I can't be the man you want and need me to be". I don't deny that is a true statement because the reality of the situation is: it is. However, we have tried twice to seperate, once on his terms and once on mine. Both attempts were unsuccesful.

We made love, and I could feel the distance had begun. As he held me close afterwards, I simply said "Don't push away". He asked me why not, and I explained that it would be pointless. He'd go away, he'd come back, we'd both be heartbroken during the separation only to end up right back where we started...so why bother. He agreed. The next moring, we talked some and he made references to "the future". I told him I wasn't entertaining those thougths, but I was glad to know he wasn't talking about walking away.

He stayed til the early afternoon, which was much more than I expected. He entertained my son while I took a quick nap, which almost moved me..except in the reality, it wasn't a bonding moment, like I used to see it between them. It was just my Hero doing his "heroly" duty and allowing me to cacth a quick nap. But for now, the ability for me to write that letter and really really feel ti and mean it tells me that I am closer to the end than I thought, despite my desire to stil keep him close. I will let go...but I recognize I have to wean myself away. Damn, I feel like an addict...lol

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Randomness


The Poet: I ran across the Poets page on BP about 2 Sundays ago(yes I know what I said about BP...lol). I was feeling real down after having spent some time with my Hero. The Poets page was filled with poetry of all types: erotic, love lost, love found...and the song playing was "He Loves Me (Lyzel in E Flat)" - Jill Scott which is one of my absolute favorite "deep down in my soul" songs. So afte rradin his first page I was hooke dand crying. I sent him a note complimenting him and expressing how his words made me feel. Apparently, he inspired my own creativity a bit because I found that the response I typed was on his level of creativity. I haven't wrtten anything in months. It felt good to be inspired once again. We chatted a lil bit one evening, but our schedules are so off there simple hadnt been much time from the time we. This past Sunday we caught each other online and he asked me if he could come up to my job to see me; didn't matter to him that I only had a 30 "initial meeting" out of the way to see if "IT" was there. When I got to our meeting spot, I was surpised and impressed. He was cuter than his picture. And he had good conversation. And he had good choice in music as we sat in his car chatting. And he smelled good when I gave him a hug goodbye to thank him for driving out of his way for about 20 minutes of my time. Thankfully, he is one of the first real potential people that I have met face to face that could potentially replace my Hero.

GentleSpeaker: We were supposed to finally meet Saturday afternoon for coffee. Only I got so tied up with homework, I had too much to do and I had to cancel. I didn't know how he was going to react. After all, we've been chatting about 6 weeks now. But he was so cool about it. He expressed his disappointment but told me he completly understood and he knows his time will come. And encouraged me to do well on my homework. Damn, thats the kind of support I'm talking about right there. I really hope he has "IT" too when we meet.

My Hero: After having some time to think and let things sit, I have come to the realization of just how severe this situation is in dealing with him. He really is my ex all over again excwpt this time I am on the other side of the fence. The upside is that I am not as hurt as I was with my ex, but at the same time, to have been duped again, to have fallen for the same type of man again is a little distrubing to me. I really don't want to doubt myself and my ability to pick men that are not pathological liars. But Im not so sure right now.

I recognize that his love for me really is selfish. He loves me because it happens to suit him. One might think that love is love and why should it matter why he loves me. But I don't want you to love me because you really only love yourself and you just happpen to love me because it gives you something you want. Love me for who I am and how my love makes you a better person. And your love for me should reflect the same. His love doesn't reflect that. His love reveals a selfishness. It is complaicated and confusing even to myself. But I recognize he loves me and takes care of me, but has much, much, more within himself going on that has nothing to do with me and until he gets over those things, I will never really be important to him.
I KNOW this right now. But I KNOW that I am not yet ready to act on it. I have not reached that breaking point. I am angry that it is this way. And I have changed my way of looking at him once again. I have gone from wanting to be his friend and comforter when things are hard at home and he needs a place of peace. Now, I am 100% out for self. I am taking exactly what I want and the minute I can't have what I need or want...he's out the door. He sent me a song today "Stay the Night" - Mariah Carey. After I looked up the words, I laughed out loud at the absurdity of him possibly feeling like that. I just don't belive it anymore. So when I sent himo bac "How Could you" - Mario. He was shocked. I just laughed. Poor thing...he has no idea what he is into now...lol

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Who loves ya more


The hardest thing to live with is you're loved by many, and everyone's intentions for you are not always in synch. I recognize that I am loved in differnet ways by different people for different reasons. While the love my Hero has for me is true, that doesn't mean it is rigth for me. And when you best friend's love for you contradicts the love from the man you love, there is an open door for an emotional train wreck. Coupled with all the other drama in my life surrounding school, the car and general finances, this conflict has sent me over the edge.

For the record, I openly recognized that in the biggest picture is not good for me. This is why I KNOW that there is no future for us. I really am OK with that. For the time being, he is filling a need for me, and I recognize that I am for him as well. Plain and simple, we are using each other. That I can love him and recognize this is no small matter for me.

That my best friend in the world sees him as a demon really really hurts. I know that she loves me, and that only a small part of her dislike of him has to do with me. She has admitted that she sees how much he does for me. But to know how much she cannot stand him for whatever the reasons may be still hurts and I can't help that. I don't know what he has done to make her feel the way she does, but that she feels the same way about him that she does about my ex-husband who she cannot stand the sight of about as much as I cannot, tells me that he feels for my Hero run very very deep. She and I are close,so close that I think I am feeling some of her anger, which is causing me pain. Our relationship truely does run that deep that at time we experience similar feelings at the same time. And I doubt it is coincidence that the same evening she realized she feel about my Hero the same as she feels about my ex, is the same evening it really dawned on me that my relationship with my Hero is very similar to my marriage. I realized it, and recognize the difference with my Hero is that I have already emotially distanced myself, taking away the abilty to hurt me in the sam eway my ex did. Though I do feel pain, I am feeling it about the truth, and that keeps me grounded in reality, therefore saving me from worse pain than if I was still int he fantasy world I was once in.

I love my best friend. And I love my Hero. And they both love me. One I am certain has my best interests in mind. The other I think has his own best interests in mind and I just happen to fit there. Once I have gone through it all and emerged I know who will stil be faithfully by my side.


Sunday, April 24, 2005

Bonded by music


We you live, breathe, eat and sleep to music, you are happy to find someone that has the same love for music. That has always been one of the bonds that to this day keep my Hero and I bound to each other. It was dancing that first brought us together, and we find time to do it whenever we can: whether that be in a club til the wee horus of the morning, or the very moment a song comes on that we both love; in the middle of the bed, in the middle of my bedroom floor; at 3pm or 3am. The love of music started a "thing" we do. When we are thinking of each other, no matter what the thought or scenario, we'll text message wach other with a song that portrays what we are thinking about; then the other will reciprocate. There is an unwriten rule that songs cannot be repated. There have been some between us though that have had to break that rule.
Prince - Adore
,
Ashanti - Only U
, Ecstacy of Love - Intro, for example.

After last nigth's episode, we exchanged a few text messages back and forth this morning. I basically told him that one day I hope he'll tell me the "real story" and I hope I'm in a place where I can accept it as truth. I sent him
What is Love? - Vivian Green
He text me back a few hours later with
Angel - Angela Winbush
and
Send For Me - Atlantic Starr
. I was at the car dealership at the time and I reraly thought he had the artist wrong for "Angel". I was thinking of Regina Belle's version, not knowing Angela Winbush had one too. I got home and looked up the words to both songs, as I always do when I don't know the exact words by heart. I like to know exactly what he's saying. Looking at the words I immediately recognized both songs, and felt a tug at my heart. Because I love both of those songs, I downloaded them both and a few others. When I played them, before I knew it, the tears were rolling down my face. With the "day after" always being a challenge, coupled with being a little confused about how I was feeling about the rest of the weekends events, the tears were expected and unavoidable. As he has sent me two songs, that left me owing him one. So the night ended with me sending him Wishing on a Star - Rose Royce, in hopes of making peace and letting him know the love was not gone and neither am I.

The confusion continues


One of the biggest factors that kept me from thinking my hero was married, despite the lack of time we spent at his place, was the fact that he was with me so ofetn during the week. Before we first "broke up" he was at my apartment on average of 4 nights a week. With the type job he has, it often has him working late into the night or leaving out early in the morning, so it just didnt make sense to me that a man could be married and never be at home. What the hell kinda wife would deal with that? OK that might sound a little insensitive, but that was and is still my outlook on this particular situation. Once everything hit the fan and I spoke with his wife(ex-wife?, whatever), I felt forced to believe that his is still married or at least working on a relationship with her based on some of her comments and his admission that providing the baby-to-be is his, he wants to try and make their relationship work. Yet after this weekend, I am back to confusion.

Early Friday night, my hero came by and we kicked it briefly for about an hour or so. I needed a "kiss-fix" really bad...lol So after making out like two high school kids, I went on my mery way, and so did he. I went out later that night with my friends to a club that my hero and I consider "our spot". We have partied there on the regular and ALWAYS have a good time. For that reason, in the back of my mind, I was prepared to run into him, knowing that he was going out too. We exchanged a couple text messages during the night, neither of us revealing our loactions, but he did mention that he was "dropping off some dead weight" and heading elsewhere. I assumed that meant he was dropping off someone, and thoguht no more of it. Hell, I didn't really care who or what..didn't think to.

Out together the next night, we got a bite to eat at a little sports bar we came across on a late night, last minute hunt for food. We'd been bantering back and forth all night about our time together and it's meaning and value, so it was no surprise when he slid in thte booth next to me and sat practically in my lap....lol As I turned to look at him, I noticed this horrendous scratch in his face that was NOT there the night before. My face hardened and I asked him who did that. He tried to brush it off and simply said "an associate". I turned away and stared blankly at the drink menu, despite already having a drink in front of me. A second later, I smacked him with it. He asked me why I did so, and I really wasnt sure of the exact reason, short of having an immediate need to vent. I am by NO MEANS a violent person and meant no real harm by it. I finally found an answer to the question and replyed that I hit him because the person responsible was not there. I let a few mintued pass, we laughed an joked some more but I couldn't let it go. I was envisioning him having been in some type of altercation with his wife and her slapping him or something of that nature. The truth shook me into reality.

He went out Friday night with some chick, they go dancing a bit, and go out to eat. She starts flinging water at him across the table. Being the calm perosn he is, he asked her to stop, which she didnt. He motions that it is stime to go and she grabs his car keys. As he trys to get them back from her, she starts swinging on him, scratching him in the process. Hmmmph... My anger quickly peaked and immdiately subsided, taking this in. I no longer felt pissed about the situation. In all honesty, he got what he deserved. Ok no not really but, considering he was out with "some chick", oh well if she scrated you...you shouldn;t have been out with her ass. You have a woman at home carrying your child, you have another one you claim to love but cant be with because of the woman at home and those obligations and yet you are out with some other chick...you got scracthed, awww poor baby...so what?!

Part if me didn;t and still doesn't believe this story. Theer is only one thing I am confidant about when it comes to us and this is his love for me. Everything is is doubted until proven. And that gave me a new perspective on our situation. Its not as if I am living for the day that we can be together. I already know that day is not coming. But I was blindly under the impression that I was the only "other one". Yep, I know I sound like a complete dumb ass chick with that statement,w hen the fact is I'm really not. But as long as I am dealing with him, I know I am living in some form of fantasy land, so that was just a small part of it. Smack me back to Earth, thank you very much. Bt at the same time, how can you be in a marriage, out til all times of the night, and come home with a big ass scratch in your face, and not catch hell. Mind you, I have no idea if he caugth hell at hom eor not...I should probably stop specualting...lol

Despite the reality check, we continued to have a great evening. We went back home and finished what we'd started the night before. Though I should've been sleeping since I planned to put in some OT the next morning, I happily stayed up, showing him exactly what she was NOT ever going to be able to give him like I could. Oh yeah, I took it all out on him. Every bit of anger and jealousy and hurt he unknowingly inflicted that night. I know he knows, because I've done it once before and he immediately knew something was "different". Funny that the reality doesn't hurt as much as I would expect it to. I guess knew I already wasnt the only one to begin with, so the fact that there are others upon other is irrelavant. I'm still taking from the relationshiop what I want from it, giving nothing more than I want to and enjoying the moments toegther until I have the time to replace him. I can't see our love for each other being enough to ever erase any of this.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The evening after


It's not him getting up and leaving that is the hard part. It's the night after he's been here, lying in my bed, kissing me, loving me, holding me as we fall asleep, creeping up into my soul despite my efforts to keep him out. My Hero has always had it like that. That's part of how I knew I was falling in love with him...lol

After we made love last night, I was lying there under him thinking" Damn, I'm in love with a married man!" And one part of me cares, but another part doesn't. The part that does care is the part that keeps me grounded and reminds me that his being married(I think) and my lack of know what the hell is really going on is how I know we'll never be able to be together. I just cant see myself trusting him ever. But the part that doesn't care is the part that feels bliss and passion when me make love. The part that still causes me to smile when I see his name on my phone, or makes me blush at his words.

I can't help loving him like I do, depsite whatever the hell the situation really is. But I can help wanting to have him as my own. And thankfully I have finally gotten over that part. Right now I am able to enjoy our time together, enjoy our conversations(most of the time) and still know that the best way to over come it all is to replace him.

Demonstrating longevity


Being so busy with school and work and my so-called personal life, I don't meet people as much as I used to. Still meeting people online of course, but those that I have an interest to get to know offline, I simply haven't had the time. Surpringly they both have been really patient, knowing my situation and have been very encouraging and supportive, recognizing the long run potential.

The GentleSpeaker and I met online about a month or so ago now. He ran across my profile and one of the pictures on it has a picture of me and my best friend and he recognized her. I asked her about him and she gave her stamp of approval...lol He is an absolute sweetheart. We have yet to meet offline. Our schedules are both very busy. I like that he is a very active person though. He is ambitious. He is divorced and seems to have come away from it having learned more about what he wants, and is and is not willing to tolerate in a relationship. That is one of the biggest things that attracts me to divorced men. I guess because I have taken the same form my own divorce. We are talking about possibly meeting up this weekend. Although school work may prevent me from that. I feel like I am getting behind on work. We'll see though.

Mysterious LM and I have been chatting for a few months now. He and I met not long after my Hero and I split up the first time back in January. We chat somewhat infrequently. He is often online late at night and we end up leaving each other messages like we have our own chat room...lol We have had quite a few deep and meaningful conversations about love, life and happiness. We have a lot in common it seems, and we both say we are interested in knowing more. He is trying to be accomodating and understanding of my schedule and I really and very appreciative. He has yet to ask me out because of this, which in a way kinda makes me nervous. There are so many "fakers" online. I'd hate for him to be one of them but if he is, oh well. We talked today about his not having asked me out because he doesn't want to get too attached to me, knowing I have another semseter and will stil be pretty occupide. I told him, not in so many words, that meeting would only solidify the friendship we have developed online, and eliminate any possibilites that either of us is a "faker". I will remain a little skeptical until I meet him face to face. I have simply had too many bad experiences with guys online to even think about getting my hopes up at him bing a "prospect" before putting person to the screen name.

It's really comforting and a confidence booster to have guys that are showing me that that they are interested in me for me and not just "conquering" me. I see them sticking it out to see if our friendhsip develops into more. And friendship is the best way to aim for my heart.

Misreading the signs


I know me. I see what I want, when I want in a situation. So I am trying not to look too much into the "little things" between me and my at work crush. Like his buying me breakfast this morning, unexpectedly. Like yesteday, him going down to the cafe with me yesterday, off of his own break schedule. Like him making sure to mention to me that he went to the outing I organized for our team on Friday without the girlfriend...and that NEVER happens. She does not let him out the house without her. Like him always asking my opinion on this and that realted to what "hypothetically" happened. Yep, I'm sure I'm reading to much into it...but Ilike feeling all tingly like I may have his attention. I got focus on something or someone else to take my mind of my Hero.

Monday, April 18, 2005

The thin line between friends and lovers

I was surprised to get a text from my Hero letting me know that he was back in town asking me to call him when I got off work. Though I got off at 4:30, I waited to call just to let him know that I'm not at his beck and call; this power striggle between us is a bitch sometimes. We spoke briefly about my new car and a little about his trip home and then I needed to get off the phone to pick up my best friends son from school. So our convo lasted about 5 minutes(yeah, I looked at the phone and chuckled when I noticed the length of the call)

About an hour or so later online, I hit him up asking a question I really shouldn't have..."How are things at home?" He replied simply that things were peaceful. Hurting on the inside, I simply replied that was good and I hope that is making him happy. H said yes and I sighed. He told me not to sigh, I had much to be happy for. Out came the power struggle again...him trying to save me from feelings of sorrow for "us"...me trying to put on the "strong, uncaring" facade. I told him not to underestimate my happiness; that I am indeed happy for many reasons...nothing else needed to be said about any other situations.

Launching into a "better" question I asked how his adopted daughter back home was. She just had a baby...despite being a baby herself. We talked about him wanting to bring her up here. I started talking about how that would be best for her, but then I had to cut myself off, back tracking the thought. With his own situation being unstable(to what degree I stil don't know), tht probably wouldn't be the best thing right now. I could sense how torn he is about the whole thing , which tore at me. At that point I realized that I still need to work at being his friend, despite our situation. I know that he does not talk to many people on the level he talks to and confides in me. That is true friendship and I want to put my own feelings aside as best as I can to be his friend if nothing else to him. After all isn't that what he has done for me when I needed him when my own situations called for help.

What started as a painful, brief conversation because sweet and loving. I told him I was working on becoing his friend for all the reasons above and he said to me that I could try to give him more that 5 mintues of convo on the phone. HA! So it did affect him...score 1 for the home team. I told him I could BUT he could pick up and call me too...I'm not the only one in this friendship. I will not be the one showing all the initiaitve when he's the one who should be showing me he wants to have me around. And so it was agreed. The converatsion really became lighthearted afterwards, just idle chit-chat, but that is something we haven't been able to always engage in recently. So much tension between us...hard to just "be". I left the screen to tend to "Mommy" things and when I got back, he was gone as I expected, but he left me with a long "Thank You", for all that I am, have been and will be. For special moments unique to us, for being his friend, for seeing him for who he is, when so many others just take him for the exterior character he puts on. It's those kinda statements and moments that leave me in the clearest confusion. The love is painfully there...but the reality is not as is should be. If the fates allow...one day...sigh

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Mysterious Magnetism

Every now and then, I'll log into my BlackPlanet page, just for amusement. BP is a meatmarket and I wouldn't dare expect to find any qualityon there. I've met a few folks from there...no quality whatsoever. There was note in there today from a guy I went out with couple times about this time last year. I didn't recognize him at first..or should I say I didn't recognize his id. The questions to me about why I ended things so abruptly and stopped responding to him, coupled with the infomation on the side bar, gave him away thankfully. He is a nice guy, well educated, very accomplished..and short. I know it's discrimination but I have my preferences. And I did try to give it a chance. We did go out in public once...I felt like I was out with my son. So despite him being extremly attractive and everything eles..his height and the complex he had about it was a major turn off. But what amazed me was that he has been trying to get me to contact him for the past 6 months or so. For some reason, he and many other men, meet me and when I am not interested for this reason or that, they continue to linger.

What is is about me that is holding them down so tightly. I am much more confidant in myself now than I once hadbeen after my divorce but even still...I still fail to see what the magentism is. What is it that draws them to me, and then keeps them locked down. Physical alone cannot be the reason. I am attractive, but this is Atl...there are sooo many attractive women, many more attractive than I.

I realized a day or two ago that I am surrounded by at least two men(not including my Hero) who love me. I mean really love me, friendship(by acceptance) romatically, spiritually, in a way that others would long to have. And for this reason and that, I do love them, but not in the way they love me. Mr. J and I have been friends for years, and we had a love affair at one time, although never a relationship. He has loved me and I him for many years now. But there are small qualities that make it hard for me to see him as "husband material". ABM and I have been friends for almost a year, although it seems much longer because of the closeness we share. I talk to him about anything and everything that is not relationship related. Because he too is in love with me. He has made it very clear on many, many, many occasions that when I am ready, he's going to get the ring. He swears that everything about me is everthing he has ever wanted. And he is not at all a bad person, he is a very quality man that I would hook up a homegirl with in a heartbeat. I do not know why I do not feel anything fotr him. And now that my Hero and I are no more, I struggle with not knowing why I dont feel anything for ABM. He is a great man and wants me as I am; I am not a trophy to him. He is not unattactive. He is not someone I drool over either but he is by no means unattractive.

Despite all this love that is waiting in the wings for me; I still long for my Hero. What am I an idiot? There are men who would give so much to have a chance to make me happy, to treat me like I am so deserving of. And yet I still leave my heart in the hands of a man who has verbally made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me. Whose actions while when with me say that I am everything in the world...yet, when away from me demonstrate what his mouth says...at least I think. Why can't I love the one(s) who love me? Maybe it is true that women really don't know what they want from a man. Its all being thrown at me, and I'm blowing it all off. Idiot.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Undeniable chemistry

With the car still being out of commission, my hero picked me up from work today. After taking me to pick up my son and run a few errands, we came back to the house. The plan wasn't for him to stay. I try to keep him away from my son for the most part just because he cannot be a consistant part of his life an I don't want him running in and out of his life. My son is a "lover" and attaches very easily to people.

My hero stayed to make sure the car situation was taken care of for the night. He kept trying to leave, but for one reaosn or another ended up back in side the house; a bathroom trip, a drink, my evaulation of his fresh haircut. This last reason, led us into the bathroom with us standing in front of the mirror evaluating his beard trim, which is something I have always been picky about. As we stood face to face, he realized he couldn't smell "me". My Hero and I, we share a connection that I simply can't imagine sharing with any one else. His scent lives with me, and does mine with him. I found him leaning closer and closer, inhaling, so close to me, that it couldn't be anything but erotic. Our chemistry is that so strong that we can know where the other is across a room...simply by smell. Yet, he insisted at that moment that my scent was faint...and he didn't like it. Ha! I told him, it wasn't anything that I had changed; the problem was his new "distance" form me. But that wasn't acceptable to him, I had to have changed something. This led us to my bedroom, to check out the "new-to-him" scent I had on. After he sniffed, and sniffed and sniffed again, he declared I coudln't wear that scent when we knew we'd be around each other because it was blocking a part of his "experience" with me. My first mind was to tell him that he simply didn't have it like that anymore. But before it escaped my lips, I remembered before: there was a scent he came over in once, that compleetly obliterates his scent; I felt as if I was in bed with a stranger. And after I told him that...he stopped wearing it. I knew what that felt like, to not smell "him", to feel like I was with another man and it felt almost dirty to me. So I agreed to not wear it anymore around him.

Leaving, he asked for a kiss. I was standing near the wall directly behind my bedroom door. Instictively, I had a desire to lean against the wall for him to kiss me. He and I, made up(the first time) on my birthday and found ourselves passionately making love up against my bedroom wall. I think my body suddenly craved that connection with him once again, if even from just a simply goodbye kiss. Whenever I feel like he doesn't miss me, and doesn't want to be with me, those thoughts are totally blown away the moment we touch. The goodbye kiss started out simple and sweet; yet, the connection at that point could not be broken. His hand to my face, deepend the kiss. My hand on his chest, drew him slightly closer. I found myself, reaching up to put my hand around his neck; his arm found its way around my waist. And suddenly goodbye became "I'm still very right here" And still we came closer together. Stroking...hugging...moaning...and then I was facing the wall. His lips on the back of my neck, hair swept to the side; me clinging to the wall with one hand and the back of his neck with the other; struggling to keep my head out of the clouds. With my son in his bedroom, it was too early in the evening to try to fulfilled the need to complete our bond. And so we seperated.

Staring, silently, into each others eyes. Before I could control myself "I love you" slipped from my lips. Silently kicking myself, I held my breath wishing I could take the declaration back. But then he continued to stare into my eyes and tell me he loved me too. And I knew it was real. he has told me more he loves me since we've been "apart" then ever before. As I pushed him out the door, I told him it was time to leave. His repsonse tore at my heart, "My body leaves, but my soul does not". I held back and just contuned to walk him out. But those words lingered in my head, long into the night, even as I tried to push them away, satifying my physical needs with another man. But he, despite his love for me too, could not wash away my desire to have the scent, the feel of my Hero next to me.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

In need of his arms

This is one of those nights where bitterness and resentfullness kick in. I know I don't want him for myself, but I need him to hold me. It's been a rough day, despite being fairly productive. The car has been acting up for the past few weeks now, and after dealing with getting stuck at my son's daycare, I need a drink and a hug tonight. I could call up any number of peple to provide either or both of those things. But no, I need it from my Hero. I need him to make me feel like the world is gonna be alright, like Luther said "If only for tonight"

Damn, I wish I wasn't watching the phone, waiting, hoping, praying for it to ring, or to get a text message telling me he's coming over. He knows I need him tonight; needing him to hold me, kiss me, we don't don't even have to make love, just his touch is comforting enough. He went all out of his way to get out of work and over to our side of town to try to come pick us up, like he always does. He's always on time when I need. And that's one of the reasons I love him so.

Who decided life needed to be this complicated? Love conquers all huh? Bullshit. I'm sad, alone, and lonely. Whoever said the "pretty chicks" have it made couldn't possibly have been pretty.

Do they know something we don't?

Chillin' with my best friend in Atl over the weeked, she told me that some people had said to her in passing that they thought we were "togther". I thought this was the funniest thing in the world at first, but then I remembered...people used to think that even when I was married and she was with her long term boyfriend. Back then we ran in the swingers circle so it wasn't too far fetched an idea. But now we are "normal". She's my bestest friend here, we share everything...there is a sexual tone between us but it's in joking. We are not at all in a relationship. She wouldn't even date women, period. I at least would, I just haven't simply because I haven't yet met one and been around long enough.

BUT, in rewinding and reviewing the plays...I can see how some could make that assumption. Besides us being together on most weekends for one reason or another, we talk ALL the time. Online we can't go a day without chatting. If one of us is off, then there is along email of things we "would've discussed". When we go out, I always drive, even if its her car. She pays, even if it's me handing her my money, she hands over the money. I usually buy her drinks, even if she pays me back later. When we dance, the more alcohol involved, the more intimate we dance. We are in TONS of pictures, hugged up on each other. To us, its normal, it's just the nature of our friendship. But to outsiders, I can see how that may be miscontrued.

Hilarious! That's my girl, I will love her forever and ever...just not like that

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Naughty Girl

I woke up feeling very sexy this morning. Lately, I've been wearing my glasse. When I have on enough black, they become an accessory and not just a necessity...lol So I'm feeling like I have the sexy school teacher look going on today with the pinstripes and the stilettos. It didn't help that all the Mexican workers were breaking their necks when i went to the gas station to get my coffee...lol

Most mornings, either my crush or I stop by the other's desk to say hey. We get out flirt on first thing in the morning. This morning when I stopped, I couldn'thelp but notice that he smells hella scrumptious. So I ask him what he's wearing and lo and behold, it's RL Romance. Damn, that's what I wear too. Mmmm. I had to walk away...he just laughed. I wonder if he wonders if my flirting is harmless. It ususally is...but not today...not smelling like that.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

OMG! Are you talkin' to me?!

I have become quite comfortable with being attracted to women. Hell, we are some sexy ass creatures. It's nothing for me to admire one from afar with my friends, male and female. Love it or leave me the hell alone about it. I am bi and happy with that. But I am shy. I don't approach men...I may drop hints but I don't ask them out. And with women...Ha! Forget it, I get nervous just being around one that I think may possibly have an interest in me.

So I was giddy when this HOT chick responded to the IM I sent her just saying "Hi". We've chatted briefly the past few days. Today, I asked her if she knew of anywhere I could go see spoken word on the weekends and she replied that she didn't know of any but she'd look into it for me. Then she said maybe we could go together sometime since she hadnt been in awhile. Whoa! Hold up! Is that the hint of a date? I had to catch my breath for a minute. Femme chicks don't ask me out...and FINE ASS ones have never ever showed me any attention. All the studs drool, but the femmes pay me no mind. Which I am still confused by...personally I like a feminine, girly, prissy, classy woman. Gets her hair and nials done, skirts and lipstick kinda chick. But I guess thats cause I'm bi. If I want a man,then I'll just be with a man.

Anyway...after her comment, I quickly replied that that would be very nice. What else could I have said to that? It wasn't much of a reponse but she seemed to get that I am interested. Hell, I was just excited she didn't brush me off after finding out I'm bi and not lez. They usually treat us bi chicks like lepers. This is new for me, and I'm kinda tingly inside. I've never dated a lesbian before. And considering we haven't even gone out yet, I guess I am really jumping the gun...but I am still excited.

Cruel twist of fate

How can my long term crush come to me today and ask me to help him find a flight to fly to Miami to go see another chick? Dammit, does he not realize that I'm trying to get his attention and I'm right here in the city. I don't even want him as my own, I just want to borrow him late nights to keep me warm when I'm all alone.

We've been cool ever since we came in to training together over a year ago. Back then my crush was hella strong...but I was single then. As I got involved with my Hero, it died down enough that we became hella cool friends which is where we are now. My interest probably wouldn't have kicked back up had he not told me he and his girl were practically through. That made him prime material for a cuddling partner. Just someone to keep my bed warm at night. I hate sleeping alone, but I can't let just anyone in my bed. Someone that isn't interested in trying to be more than friends, someone who is a genuine friend, someone short term til I do come across that someone that catches and holds down my attention. This is what role my at-work crush should be holding down. But dammit, he wants to go to Miami to visit some chick. Do I dare try to tell him what I want? How much damage would that do our friendship? Now that I know he is stepping out on his soon to be ex...I'm starting to feel a lil froggy.

A bittersweet affair

I know he's not really mine. In retrospect, I don't know that he ever was. This love affair with my Hero has been going on for about 10 months now and neither of us seems to really be able to let go. He tried after about 5 months...then he came back for my birthday about 3 weeks later. Then I tried after the blowup about his ex-wife(or still wife, I'm still not really sure)...but then I was back about 2 weeks later. I can't help but love him. He's everything I've even wanted in a man. He intellegent, ambitious, supportive, nurturing, sexy as hell...and tied to his wife/ex-wife by a soon to arrive baby.

As we'd planned to see each other last night, I left the door open for him to come in. I awoke to him crawling into my bed. No words were spoken...none we needed. As only he can, his hands traced the contours of my slim body making me ache for him. Touching me, loving me, I knew that I had to hold back. Things that were once said in the midst of making love now have to be held back. I struggle wanting to tell him I love him, how much I miss him..but I know not to. I'm trying to play the hard role, and act like I dont care. And in a way I don't. I really have detached myself, now that I know what the reality of the situation is.

Hes' going to be with his "family". He wants to try to make it work, despite whatever he and she have been through. I don't have a choice but to respect that at this point. There's a possibility, or at least he says there is, that the baby is not his. I know it is wrong, but a small part of me wishes it wasn't his. Then maybe he'd come be with me. But at the same time, would I really want that? No. I already told him I would be with him regardless of the outome, his baby or not. But he wants to try to make it work if its his. I'm not playing second to this situation. There's no reason for me to. Either you want me or you don't. You can't convince be you want to be with me, but... There's not room for but..not in my eyes anyway. Still I hold on. Damn.

The "unknowns" and the "knowns" in this situation are so almost equal that it makes this almost impossible to know what the best thing is to really do. He's been everything I've ever needed to me and my son. There is so much right about our love its devestating to think that its wrong. Maybe its just wrong for right now. With any other relationship, once it ended I knew it was final, I knew it was time to move on. But not here, I feel like the chapter on this saga is not closed yet. I hope I'm right, I hope he is Mr. Right, but just not Right Now. But in the meantime, I am still actively dating...or pimping as those around me keep saying. Everyone serves a purpose. But my heart is still with my Hero. And I'm not confidant I'll ever reclaim it from him.

Quest for forever love

Does real love exist? Not just the "Oh I love him!" kinda love. Does the kind of love really exist that makes you truly believe you can't live without them? That "mentally, physically, spiritally fulfilling, unconditional forever and ever Amen" kinda love? I am determined to find it...I know it is out there. But until I do, I must walk the path, passing pain, bliss, suffering, happiness, sacrifice, ecstasy, and every other emotion known to man.