Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The line has been crossed

It's hard losing someone who is such a good friend and overall person just because they can't stop obssessing about you sexually. I have had some people in my life that have really been good friends in one way or another; cool to chill with, great to talk to when you need someone, execellent parents whom I admire...so on and so forth. But I have lost in the past good friends because they simply couldn't see past their desire to sleep with me. And I really think I am close to losing another one that I really don't want to lose.

I met CT around the same time I met my Hero, and we all used to socialize together. As my relationship developed with my Hero I was still getting to know CT, and as time went on I found myself slightly conflicted. I was falling for my Hero, but liking what I was getting to know about CT too. He expressed an interest me as well but because we all ran in the same circles I decided to not even consider the idea of getting involved with him on any level other than friendship.


While that was mutually decided between the two of us, he continuously made sexual references. His "thing" for me was/is mirrored for my best friend, Peaches as well. She and I would discuss finding him a girlfriend, in hopes of distracting him from desiring us because we just knew the desire stemmed from his being lonely and seeing us as his "dream women". So finally, he met a girl, and they developed over time into a relationship.

However, just before they made that "leap", he and I had sex one drunken night. Wait let me rephrase, I was drunk, he was not. That's not to say that I blame it on the alcohol because I was aware enough to know what was going on, but my judgement was ipaired enough to not try to back away from his advances. Needless to say that was a huge mistake. After it happened, we discssed it, agreed, that it was a one time thing and that it wouldn't happen again. However, ever since he talks about it incessantly, tells me about all these fantasies he has...just on and on and on. I keep telling him,he has a grilfriend now; our time has passed; it happened and it time to move on. But he justy can't let it good.

CT really is a great friend, and as a Dad I admire him tremendously. I respect him and look up to him. But this obssession is going to kill our friendship. I have been nice and told him he needs to let it go. I have been not-so-nice and told him the same. I'm not sure what is left. He has a great girlfriend and he doesn't want to lose her; he has said that his desire to sleep with me has notthing to do with her not meeting his needs, he is just That attracted to me.

I have to find some way, any way to get through to him. I am not ready to abandon our friendship especaully since we stilll hang in the same circle.

Half Full or Half Empty

I used to think I was one of those optimistic, positive outlook, "glass half full" kinda people. You know one of those who no matter what happens, always seems to put a positive spin on things. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm losing that. I love my mom, she drives me crazy, but at least I still have her. I hate my job, but so many people don't have one, who am I to really complain. I'm tired of school, but so many people don't have the opportunity to even attend school. I really am thankful for my blessings, don't get me wrong.

I am thankful for the time I get with my Hero. I know in my head that being with him isn’t right, so in theory, limited time with his good for me. So I should be thankful that we spent the evening last night watching movies, just enjoying each other's company. I should be thankful for the love we made and the passion that was felt through the night. But instead, I am dwelling on the fact that he went home instead of spending the entire night with me. I could try to be more understanding. He told me he wasn't tired, so he was just going to stay until I fell asleep. I should just be happy for that, but I'm stingy and selfish and I want more. But these are the things I choose to accept in dealing with him. I accept my responsibility in letting my own feelings get hurt here.

Maybe I'm not looking my "half full" outlook. Maybe I just expend so much of it in other areas of my life, that I have to break down and be not-so-optimistic somewhere. I mean, damn, every day can't be bright. Otherwise, how would I know how to appreciate them, right?

Sunday, May 29, 2005

It could be worse


It's a three day weekend and of course my silly behind volunterred to work...hard to pass up overtime. Thankfully, there are a few upsides. One: there are 10 of us working, and they are all people I'm cool with. Two: I know it won't be that busy so I can get a lot of the reseach and writing I have been lagging on done. And three: my at work crush is working too. Mmmm, nothing like a lil eye candy to brighten up the morning. Our flirting is escalating slightly over time. He got an offer from Nascar, which would require him to move back to Charlotte. I'm hoping he goes because we're all miserable at work. But I sure wish he wouldn't leave before I find another job. If he goes, who will I have to flirt with?...LOL

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

To the extreme


Maybe its a normal thing and I just don't realize it. Having a feeling, any feeling, so extreme that is almost consumes you, just can't be normal. It sounds like some kinda depression-type symptom. You know, hella happy one day and then insanely pissed off the next. That can't be right. But that's how I feel more often that not. I feel every feeling extremely. Today I feel extremely sad. Dang come to think of it, I did yesterday too. Over the weekend I was extremely happy though. It was almost like coming down off a high, settling right into that sad mode.

That "happy side", that's the side of me most people see. When the extreme sad, or lonely, or angry feelings are there, I just keep to myself and play it off to those around me. Even those that know me, thT I really talk to, have no clue as to how extreme the feelings are. And really I wouldn't want them to. I wouldn't want anyone else to feel that level of hurt or pain or sadness.

It makes you wonder: would you even want to give up your feelings and just be numb to everything? No love, no sadness, no joy, no pain, no bliss. Would you really know what you are missing if you never had it? Or would you adjust to not having it if you lost it? As one who has felt love, I wouldn't want to give up being able to feel that because I feel it with such depth it is incrediable even top myself at times. However, I might have to remind myself of that when I am feeling extremely sad or lonely.

No witty title...just releasing


Not sure that I'll even post this. Today, at this moment, I am just really deep down sad and hurting. And I can't really put a finger on the exact cause of it. I want to take the blame on myself because really anytime I get hurt its because of the expectations I have placed on others around me. My head knows this, but I'm not yet ready to accept that reponsibilty...and for now place in in the hands of my Hero. It's not any one thing that has happened in the past few days that has put me in this mood.

I do know I am recognizing that I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, not having the truth of the situation. I have continously been ignoring it, and just enjoying our time. And part of me feels like I should just leave it that way...and be content. But that not really the way I work. The Angry Black Woman in me can be that way with people I am not emotionally attached to. But I am too far in love with him to be that way. And thats not to say that I have to have him for myself even after knowing. But I just can't function in a fanstasy world...I need the truth.

So I know that soon, I am going to have to push him against the wall. Which of course leaves room for two potential problems: One - I could not belive what he says and still be in the same place I am now; or Two - he could refuse and walk. And I don't know that I am ready to let go yet. He has said that he isn't leaving unless I ask him to; however, I have been fairly laid back in relation to our "relationship" too. So who's to say he won't just refuse to answer or lie about it.

I don't know.....anything at all today. All I know is: I hurt today. I know I want to cry, which means I'll probably be spending a little quality time in the last bathroom stall for a few minutes soon. One thing I have lerned is to not try to hold tears in, it doesn't allow you to release what you are feeeling and move past it. So I have no problem going into the the bathroom and silently freeing myself.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

When you wish upon a star


As I drove home tonight, I caught sight of a falling star. Of course, my first instinct was to make a wish. "I wish that as I walk across the stage to accept my degree, I gaze out into the audiance and my Hero is standing with and cheering along side my family, happy to see my hard work and struggles and sacrifices finally pay off." It's nice to be able to wish from time to time even when you know it can never be.

When my feelings became serious for my Hero, I always imagined he'd be at my side for my graduation. This was of course B.B...you know, Before Breakup. Once we spilt the first time, he bestowed me with "advance" cards for both my birthday and my graduation. Those cards didn't make it through the "emotional meltdown", however. Besides, since then we have gotten back together(for lack of a better expression) broken up and gotten back together again. So in account of all that, he has said he has a gift and card for me. I'm sure it'll all be nice, and I'm appreicteve becuase nothing is required at all. But, I'd be overjoyed if I could just have my wish.


Sunday, May 15, 2005

It ain't poetry...


Poetry isn't my forte when it comes to writing, but every now and then I am stuck with feeling that have to escape one way or another. The result at times is not so bad...lol


What is it that they see
That drives them to react
Like packs of dogs in heat
When I walk down the street

So there’s a little switch in the hips
A little thickness in the thighs
Slim waist, small frame
All in all, a sexy lil’ dame

Why should that make them blind
Oblivious to the one fact
That there is a person inside
A soul behind those big, brown eyes

One after another
They are all the same
Seeking me out desperately
Anxious to conquer me physically

Each and every one
Men and women alike
Treating me like irresistible temptation
Only after their instant gratification

There’s actually a heart
Engulfed within this dime piece
Being abused, time and time again
Wondering when the pain will ever end

So until the “real” one comes along
I’m shutting down for good
The great wall has been erected
And it’s keeper remains protected

Not just Nice Guys anymore


The saying goes "Nice guys finish last". Well I'm finding the pretty girls rank pretty high up there with the nice guys. Not only do we finish lst but we get screwed over in the process.

Case #1: Lil Bit is very cute. One of them high yella gals. Pretty face, petite frame, very outgoing personality. She meets a friend of my best friend, Peaches, whom is known to be a good guy, a pretty good catch. He and Lil Bit kick it for about a month or so. They spend time getting to know one another, sharing a little background info; nothing life changing or anything, the usual "get to know you" stuff. About a month after meeting, he tells Lil Bit he just proposed to a woman on the other side of the country. He just happened to forget to tell Lil Bit about this chick. How do you take time to get to know someone and leave out the fact that you are so very up into another woman; wrapped up so much that you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with her. I mean come on, you could've at least mentioned her as to at least have made it known there was someone else in the picture...sigh, another one bites the dust for Lil Bit and she's left wondering WTF?!

Case #2: My best friend Peaches is another high yella gal. A lil taller than Lil Bit and not so petite; a lil closer to an Atl stripper build...lol Pretty, sophisticated and classy, yet still down for whatever. This guy puruses her...wait not pursue; he woos her. Goes all out, flowers, candy, lil cute gifts, and she eventually falls for him. He has many qualities in a mate thet she wanted. They go back and forth, on and then off, for various reasons, none related ot their compatibility. Eight months in, she's now full in love in everyway possible, he comes to tell her, he's going back to his ex. It boiled down to a matter of his ex supporting him through a hard time, of which he gave VS no opportunity to. She hadn't quite invested a full eight months in because she did continue to date other people, but her heart was with him and she did hope that once he got past his emotional hangups, they would at least see where things could go. Instead he leaves her in the dust to be with a woman he admits he "loves" but is not "in love with" as he is with peaches. She's left to console herself with Mary J on repeat, trying to figure out WFT?!

Case #3: Yours truly, Ms Quest. The 5'5" caramel drop of the crew. Pretty face, slim yet curvacious, ride or die chick in heels and a skirt. Meets her Hero at a time when she's decided to stop "looking" and just "be". Long nights of conversation are held, discussing wants, desires and intentions...all seemingly on the same pathway: remaining open to whatever develops. Months go by and Love slips from her lips, drips down her chin and lands in his lap. As she realizes "something's not quite right", he breaks things off with the vague answer of being unable to be the man she wants or needs right then. Just as she rebounds from the emotional breakdown she suffered having lost the man she felt was potentially "The One", he returns with a complete and plausible explaination and she stands by him, while remaining open to the possibility that "something still isn't quite right" They continue on, with her is thinking they will return to their regularly scheduled program. Only to find out a month or so later than the are missing pieces to the story that are yet to be confirmed as accurate or not. They split once again...yet she is drawn back to him. She remains on the side to a situation she is somewhat in the dark about. She knows she is allowing herself to complicate her life for the sake of a love that can never be her own, yet the alternative is much too much to bear while fighting so many other battles at that moment in life. She spends the nights he is not with her playing 20 questions along...always ending with WTF?!

Three pretty girls with outgoing personalities, professional, accomplished, ambitious, living in the sexy city of Atlanta...on the verge of becoming three of Atlanta's Angry Black Women because their hearts have been ripped apart, stepped on, and creamated all in the name of Love.

Overdose


In thinking about writing this post earlier in the day, I was thinking about talking about how love is addictive, very much like a drug. How when you are in it and around it, you see everything through thisbeautifully, glowing rosy haze where even the bad goings on are still all good. That was before I came down off my high. Now I am crashing; just like addict when that last hit wears off and the jones for the next one begins. This weekend I overdosed and I am hoping my crash isn't catastrophic.

Friday nights seem to be the ones I long for my Hero the most. Every Friday I fight myself to try to resist the urge to see him, and just about every Friday I lose. This Friday was no exception. We traded our usual text messgaes during the day, and while I was at the club we made plans for him to meet me at home. He was slid in at about 5:45AM. By 8:45 I was sending him on his way. I had a date lined up at about 11 or so with the GentleSpeaker and I needed to get a little sleep.

My Hero came back at about 4:00 to take me to the dealership to go get my car and bring it back home. Unbeknownst to me, he'd called another dealership for me, and we headed there to see if they could/would do anything. I expected after that we'd go back home, he'd drop me off an dbe on his way; I'd planned to take my final and climb in bed to watch a movie and get some sleep. He surprised me though and asked me to dinner...which I had no plans of saying no to. After dinner, we made plans to catch a movie at the theater, grab a bottle of champagne and chill back at my house, before getting some much needed sleep. The night was beautiful as always. We had a fabulous time and not only did he stay and sleep(which I am always happy to see, because he runs so much), but he stayed until about 1 in the afternoon. It was a long night and an even longer morning...lol

Leaving my house, I was still feeling great. I went to lunch with the Poet(who I am really starting to dig, by the way) and then to Lil Bit's housewarming. Picked up my son with no drama from his dad and came home to do my Mommy duties. As I lay on the couch, I felt my heart begin to ache. I tried to shake it off as being just tired. It had been a long weekend with not enoguh sleep. Then I felt the ache begin to spread through my body. I thought maybe I was stressing because I hadn't accomplished as much as I'd wanted to this weekend. And then IT hit me. The euphoria had disappered. The bliss of my great weekend had dissipated and all that was left was lonliness.

It's Sunday night, and I'd been surrounded by great company all weekend. I finally met the GentleSpeaker, with whom I had a great time with. I had a very great time with the Poet, who has a lot of potential to maybe replace my Hero, if I can get past my baggage AND if he forgives me for him losing his cell phone in my car and him having to come and get it form my house...lol Plus, my Hero spent much more time with me than I expected. All of that combined has me now sitting here, kinda sad, mostly lonely and hoping to not be so down that I can't get any work done. I am crashing. My lonliness and unproductivity are just withdrawl symptoms. I'm hoping to not get the shakes, i.e. the tears before the night is out. What's worse is, although I'm ready and willing to admit I am an addict...I'm not yet ready to quit, at least not cold turkey. I wonder if there is a patch for love.

Vivian Green - Fanatic

Friday, May 13, 2005

Random Friday thoughts

  • Damn I feel sexy today in my jeans and t-shirt.
  • Amazing what perming ya hair will do to your confidence...lol
  • My At Work Crush sure looks sexy with his Dominican tan.
  • Wondering if my "purpose" for going through all this drama with my Hero is because I have been judgemental of other's relationships in the past..wondering if the drama is a test of friendhsip as well. My best friend and I went through one that was as hard as this drama and we are tighter than ever now.
  • I am determined to not let my son's father provoke me today no matter what.
  • And I am not going to let this car drama stress me either.
  • I really hope I get to meet the GentleSpeaker this weekend like we have planned.
  • I can't wait to get my shake on at the Compound tonight..I got the dancin' itch real bad...lol
  • And most importantly, I hope I do well on my final tomorrow.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Stop blogging for who?!?!?


Aight, I'm utterly confused. This whole blog thing is a God-sent in my opinion. Anyone can have one, its easy as hell to run and administer, and you can post to your hearts desire. You have your own personal space to do with as you please. So with that said, why in the hell would anyone censor themselves because of their readers? Now, I recognize this is a semi-contradiction of what I said a few days ago about having a anonymous blog opposite my personal blog. But I didn't have a personal blog and then censor myself on it because of who found it or who was reading it. I started this one with the intent to vent very personal things that I need to vent without people that love and care about me knowing my inner most feelings. Being that I love to write, it was the most logical thing to simply have two blogs. But I reconize that that is what is best For Me. It's hard to imgine thought, that so many people would censor themselves and keep things to themselves because of who finds their blogs,and not wanting to hurt their feelings or anything at all along those lines.

This is my blog dammit, and if you don't like what you read about what I think or feel then too damn bad. And if you as the blogger are worried about who is reading it, consider having an anonymous blog. If you felt the need to start a blog and your intention with it is to relax, relate and release, you are sacrificing your own needs, and totally giving up your place of peace. Don't do this. You need your space, to do with whatever you choose without repercussion or need to worry. Do you...no matter where that is.

The doorway to Trust has now been closed


I am recognizing that my distrust for men has resurfaced. It was very strong after my divorce because my ex-husband lied to me for so long about so many things throughout our marriage. And to this day, I still don't believe a thing that comes out of his mouth. My relationship with my Hero has been the first I have been in, nearly two years after my divorce. That general distrust had diminished some during the evolution of out relationship, prior to our first breakup. Even though I had had some minor doubts, my ability to trust in someone grew. But after all we have been through now, and knowing that our entire relationship was built on a lie, and remains in place today on a foundation of lies and lies by omission, my distrust is in full swing.

Today, in a conversation with a guy I have known for a few months, but never really "talked" to, he expressed his interest in me. My distrust coupled with his "rep" of being a hoe, caused me to not really put any stock into his words. He couldn't believe that I didn't think he was serious. I had to explain to him the persona he puts out, doesn't demonstrate what he is claiming. Despite that, I did tell him we could go out at some point and see what does or doesn't develop. I found myself telling him "Don't even think that just because we go out that I'm going to sleep with you" with Angry Black Woman attitude dripping throught the computer screen. I don't like having that feeling.

I know that I have to let my wall of distrust back down again. From my relationship with my Hero,I do know that wall is not going to come down very easily and whomever is able to do so, is going to be someone who has a lot of patience, but is very trust worthy, because right now, I trust about as far as I can throw a person.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Drunken confessions


In my first offical blog in which I am intoxicated(aight I'm drunk, I had a jacked up day, dammit) and listening to that new damn 112 cd(which is a Banger!), I find now to be the perfect time to confess to myself that part of me is still living in a fanstasy world despite what I try to convice myself of any other time.

Part if me wants things to become bright and rosy and happily ever after with myHero. Everything about him to me is perfect for me: our love for music, our sense of humor, our love for each other, and his taking care of me, my constant concern for him. Yep, plenty perfect except for the fact that some where some home, he's keeping a major part of his life from me. I still don't know if hes married still or not, when the damn baby is due, if he's buying a house, if so for who. And yet, my love runs deep.

I want to be able to wish it all way and all of a sudden we're growing together. Which takes me to a comment he made today about us "growing". I looked at him as he drove as if he had a thrid ear on top of his head; Who is growing?! US!? How the hell can we grow when there is no US?! What the hell does that mean?! I didn't even want to know so I specifically said that I was not going to ask for clarification on that statement. But WTF?! "We" can't grow. There is no "we" and he is the reason there is no we. Damn he makes this way too damn complicated.

Everything about his actions says he wants to be with me...except for him being with his whoever, and out and about with whoever else. Taht shit hurt a lot to find out he is dating other chicks too. Im glad the bitch scrathced in the face. Damn I really have digressed.

In my fantasy land, we'l be together one day. In my fantasy land, when he told me he wanted to try to make things work with her if the baby is his, he was just teling me what he felt I needed to hear to push me away. It wouldn't be above him to do that, to push me away, or atleast away enough to get me to stop focusing on a future with him. But of course, how the hell do I know if thats what he really did? I could ask him but I already know I wouldnt believe the answer. I am NOT there yet. Lawd, how did I fall in love with a man who is everything I ever prayed for except for available to me.

Beloved, I think very very hard about what you said about me somewhere somehow beliving I deserve this experience. I don't know where that is going to lead me, but it is some of the most influential words I hane been blessed with. Thank you.

The drunken confessional door is now closed...ladies and gentelmen...good night

Why I don't do threesomes


The male half of the couple that I have been chatting with for the past week or so had an interview with my company at my location on Friday. So I gave himmy number and told him to call me after his interbiew and I would come donw and chat withhim for a few. He called around 12 or so and I got downstairs to the lobby and trust me, you couldn't miss him. I knew he was 6"9', but to see that height in person is just overwhelming. I mean I thought the Poet was tall at 6'5 but damn! Anyway, the next most noticable thing was how unattractive he was. OK he wasn't hideous but just in no way anyone I would consider laying a hand on me...hell he couldn't get close enough to smell it. So we chit chat for a minute and then I have to get back to work. He made it a poit to IM me later that eveniong to let me know that he thought I was VERY atrractive and he told his wife so. I get the feeling this will never turn into a friendship having this attraction. People don't seem to undertand that friendship can exist with people who are attracted, and since I am not and they are...I doubt this is gonna work. Now if she is as attractive as she appears to be in her pictures, he may just have to lend her out from time to time to play by herself..lol

Goodlawd!


My at work crush was away for the week with his Nascar job. He spent last weekend in St. Louis and then the week down in the Dominican Republic. As my hero dropped me off this morning, I saw my crush heading into the building. By the time I got upstairs and saw him up close, GOODLAWD!!! The time under the sun has him looking like a honey dipped piece of heaven. I would've been happy just to see him back at work, but I wasn't prepared for him to come back looking edible. MMMM, what a great beginning to a Monday.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Just not feelin' it today


It's the Friday before Mothers Day and when I got into the office today there were flowers on my desk from a coworker. Another coworker came around and brought all the mothers breakfast. I felt so special. And yet I feel really blah today. Thats unusual for me for a Friday. I don't think its the "day after" blues I get after I'm with my Hero either. I'm sure its hormone related since its about that time. But I just feel blah. I'm not awake, and its damn near 11:00. I'm usually "up" and being my social self by now. I'm about to get my car, hopefully tomrorow so I should be happy. My best friend is about to sigh the dotted line and close on her new house. So I should be happy. It right before Mothers Day and my son will be home to celebrate it with me. But I just feel blah. I'm listening to one of my favorite radio blogers new lists today in attempt to pick myself up. Its a bangin' list and should be working. But so far, even that isnt it.

I don't quite feel lonely, int he conventional sense of the word. But I wish there was someone specail in my life who just "knows me". Who can look at me and see that I'm worn out, I'm tired, and that I just need a break, or a pick me up gesture. Just something to feel..I don't know, I think I need rejuvanation of some type. School is truly wearing me down, and I am so thankful I only have 2 more weeks left. Work is starting to dragme down, too, because I'm frustrated with having a jobthat doesn't utilize even a quarter of my capabilities. I'll be putting myself to good use in a few weeks working on a business venture with my best firend but spending eight hours a day doing mindless work is just killer. I don't know. This isn't a typical Friday for me, and I hope its not a sign of the rest of my day or weekend.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

The fine line between great sex and making love



I needed a change of scenery for my ride to work. Spending that much time with ABM was taking a little toll on me, plus I need to register my son for kindergarten today so I asked my Hero to be my chauffer today.

Waking up to him sliding into my bed is always a pleasure. Before I knew it, he was sliding his arms around me to turn me over and lay me on "my pillow": his chest. It has almost always been that we at least start out sleeping like that. And as the night goes on he might allow me to drift, but still be on him in soime way. The funny thing is he keeps this lock on my sleeping location, only when he is truly asleep; and that is sometimes the only wya I can be certain he is asleep. Anyway, I digress...lol

Waking up to him sliding into me...well pleasure doesn't quite describe that feeling I don't know how my mind wandered in the midst of everything, but it pulled up my best friend's comment that I need to recognize good sex from love...and let the negro go. Yeah, she doesn't like my Hero...lol But it made me wonder if I am indeed confusing love with great sex.

Now don't get me wrong, I have had GREAT sex without love and I very clearly recognized the difference. But I wonder if because I love him AND the sex is so good, am I making the assumption that we're making love instead of just having great sex. I know what I feel; when he's lying next to me stroking each and every curve of my body, mapping it out as if he fears he'll one day forget it. I know what I feel; when he's whispering in my ear he loves me and misses me, and never feels as though we are apart because he always feels me with him. I know what I feel; when he kisses me and it reaches deep down and my soul and I can feel that he doesn't want to let that conenction go. I don't think I am confusoing the two. His actions, when he is with me, show me, his love. The great sex is just a beautiful bonus.

I know he loves me. I think.

Vivian Green - What Is Love?

Back in the day


It amuses me that even back in the day, when music was about something, somebody was feeling my pain. Chaka Kahn hit it right on the head for me. I was listening to my favorte playlist - Jamz, which is nothing but slow jamz of all times. And Sweet Thing came on...and it hit me! Thats it rigth there...thats me.

"I will love you anyway, even if you cannot stay.
I think you are the one for me, here is where you outta be.
I just want to satisfy ya, you'r not mine, I can't deny it.
Don't you hear me talking baby, love me now or I'll go crazy"

Dang, Chaka, thanks for helping a sista know that while I may be wrong, at least I'm not alone.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Ready for love?



I posed a question somewhat to myself last night(meaning it was up on my Yahoo status for the IM world to see..lol) The question was: Am I really ready for what I think I want? I got a couple silly comments from it, but my best friend and I got into a serious conversation about it.

She asked me if I was over what I went through with my Hero. My inital reaction was HELL NO..LOL But then I stepped back and thought about it. As far back as I have stepped away from him, from an emotional standpoint anyway, I can honestly say to myself that I am over the pain he put me through: by leaving initally and then from finding the the situation at home is not exactly what he portrayed it to be. I really am even over the fact that I am not the only "other" woman. None of those facts change my love for him and I accept all that.

She asked me if the "right" one came along would I be ready to drop the "roster", as we call the men we are currently dating, and commit to the the "right" one. I answered that the "roster" is just a combination of potentials and "play-things" that qll posses a few qualities that the "right" one needs to possess. So if the "right" one surfaced, the "roster" would have no purpose any longer. Based on that, she felt that I am closer to be ready than I initally thought I was.

I admit I doubt myself. My jacked up choices in the men that I really fall for, in combination with my lack of attraction to men who have good wholesome qualities has left me wondering if I even know what I want in a mate. Despite these doubts, I really do think I am ready for a real love, with a man who can love me and only men with no background interference.

I think it is going to take that person to come along to take the place of my Hero. Otherwise, his love is going to continue to fill up that space he is holding down right now. I know I'll never NOT love him. But to be out of love with him would at least help. LMAO now as soon as I figure out what he can do to make me fall out of love, I'l be good to go.

India.Arie - Ready For Love

Appreciation of the solitude


As a pretty social person, I like some types of attention. I do have another blog which is deemed my "public" blog, that everyone knows of and follows. And I admit, I love the attention; I love for people to read and respond to what I have to say. I am a writer at heart. However, the more readers I get on my public blog, the more I seem to appreicate the anonymity of this one.

No one that knows me, knows of this blog. This blog is my fortress of solitude. Here I am free to express my innermost feelings and not have to hear about what my friends think is best for me. Here I can let out my joys and pains,my insecurities, my bad decisions, and see my true growth.

I look forward to comments from others here. I hope to eventuially have the amount of traffic here as I do on my public blog. But in this case, I wish for people who don't know me for anything other than what I write here in my personal space. Those will be the comments that will probably provide with with the most insight because they aren't biased. All they have to go on is what I share here.

My public blog is the me that everyone sees on the outside. Here is the me that I lie in bed with at night. Here lie my tears and my pain, and my release from the public shell, into the open private space my soul needs.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

How can I not be flattered?


When this chick hit me up Sunday on IM, I really was unfazed. She was hella cool, was trying to be really polite; I could tell she was trying to figure out if I was or wasn't into women without really offending me. So I let her know that I was, however, since she'd told me she was married, I made it very clear I don't do couples. I'm not into that. I've done the swinger lifestyle and it is NOT FOR ME. But I am always open to just friends and she said they were just looking for like-minded friends. Today her hubby hits me up, which I don't mind at all either. We chit chat and I basically tell him the same thing. He sends me some pics of them and tells me she's interested in me. I told him flat out that I don't do couples, if he has approved her to have a girlfriend without his inclusion in the relationship/interaction then cool. He proceeds to tell me how having them as "my couple" would be the best of both worlds for me. I can't help but laugh as I'm reading this...LOL I've joked about being the 3rd part if someones marriage but always in joking. This couple is so serious...LOL I can't help but be flattered. I told him I would keep it in mind. And I wasn't lying, I really will. I haven't yet met them, so who knows what the hell could happen. But I seriously doubt it. I only need one person in my bed at one time...unless its two fine ass chicks, then I'd be willing to reconsider...LOL

"It" just isnt there


I don't know why "it" isn't there. ABM really is a good guy. I have said this before. And I told myself and him, that after I finished school, I was gonna start kicking it with him some more. My intention was to see if maybe the chemistry would come over time. Apparently, it was meant for me to fnid out the answer to that sooner rather than later.

With the issues with the car, he's been taking me to and from work since last Monday. Which I am very appreciative of, and have made sure to express that to him. It really does show a lot about our friendship. However, 45 minutes each way in the car with him has allowed me to see that "it" ain't there, nor will it ever be. I can't push myself, I can't force it, and I damn sure am not gonna fake it. He has many qualities that I want in a man...but plain and simple, I do not find him attractive. Not that he isn't attractive..he's not bad looking. he just doesn't do it for me. And I'm at a disadvangtage, because there are very few men who find me unattractive. In this tmie around each other I have found soem of the things that make me not feel "it". There is something about a man with a sense of style, a fashion sense that really appeals to me. He has none whatsoever, which is fine in a friend but in my mate..uh uh. And if it were justthat...I could fix it. BUt the combination of not being attracted, plus that, plus not liking his cologne...I can't describe it comlpetely, but when it ain't there, it just aint there. Thankfully, we discussed some time ago what woudl ahppen if we tried it, and it didnt work. I told him I was concerned that if it didn't work it could mess up our friendship. He says he can handle it. I actually believe he can. But I'm gonna need to be putting it to the test, in a week or two, 'cause I am gonna have to let him know so we can proceed on with our regularly scheduled programs