Thursday, June 30, 2005

Like I needed proof of my addiction

If you ask me, it had been 9 days since my Hero and I had spent any time together(let him tell it, it hasn't been that long We've both been really busy. He's come by to drop a thing or two off, and we see each other in passing at a club one night, but otherwise, no quality time since Fathers Day. Needless to say, I'd grown a little "grouchy" about the situation. I am self admittedly stingy, selfish, and spoiled when it comes to my time with him. Not having it does cause me to catch an attitude. And that's exactly what happened yesterday.

We were chatting on IM...hell I don't even recall what the topic was, but the moment the opportunity presented itself, I jumped off with a smart "I don't really care BUT..." comment about us not having spent any time together in about 9 days. Now, here is an example of how I really am wrapped around his finger...sigh. He responded with "you know I've been working, and its not just you, I miss you too". And what was my response to that? "I'm sorry, I'd didnt mean to try to make you feel bad". Which is true, I really didn't. My saying that simply was because I really have missed him, and seeing him for bits and pieces made it even worse I think. But, did I let it go at that point? Ha! of course not. I follow up with "I guess this is practice for things soon to come". Yep, I went there...the "baby" lowblow. We went back and forth about how our time together is/isnt going to change. And I ended it with "you know you are not gonna be able to keep me on the side forever". A part of me means that. I know the day is coming where he's gonna have to put up or shut up. Of course, there is that small part that is still in fantasy land.

He came over late last night around midnight or so. I wasn't quite asleep, and just watched him in the dark, as he watched me. I don't think he knows I know he does When he spoke, I spoke and he could tell in my voice I hadn't been asleep. We chatted, as he lay beside me, and once he laid a hand on me, it was pretty much over. You know how they say "there was elctricity in the room"? I know what that means now. The intensity, the passion that consumed us was one I'd never known before. I've always said, if I ever doubted his words, I can read the truth in his body. Last night was no exception. He missed me just as much as I missed him. And as we lay there "sweaty, sex-funky, happy as we wanna be", we joked about who missed the other more. Sometime we are so cheesy, I can't help but laugh at us...LOL I dozed in and out, but didn't miss his exit. I didn't even get upset, because I knew he wasnt staying...glad I was spared from that after such a beautiful moment.

I woke up this morning( and felt ten times better. NOT because I finally got some because..well, ummm, I got a confession to make in another post...but because I finally had just a little time with my Hero. I felt like I was on high again. And I realized...damn being with him really is like a drug. Hopefully, since I have to so much to do all day today, I wont have time to crash

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The Good News Is...(Addendum)

I recognize that I talk to much. Not that I talk a lot, more so that I reveal too much of what I'm thinking. Sadly, I see this is not the best thing to do, at least in the beginning...I don't know, maybe never. I see that revealing what I'm thinking and feeling gives the other person the key to what to do to get past my (weak)defenses. Damn, this one is gonna be hard to change. I really don't even know where to begin to NOT do this. It almost seems dishonest in a way. I guess that is the downside of believing that non-disclosure is a for of lying.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Letting the inner "man" in me out

Mariah, Jada, Vivica, Amerie, Megan Good, Toni, any of the DC girls

What do they all have in common?

Please, just let me be the dress they wear for one night. Any one of their dresses. I'm not stingy at all. Doesn't have to be all of them; doesn't matter which one of them. Goodlawd, they ALL had me drooling and stuttering on the BET Awards. So what?! I can't help it. Ya'll can look at me like I'm crazy if you want to. But dammit, if ya'll saw them..then I know ya'll understand. it should not be legal to look like that. And to have that many women look like that on one show. That just ain't right.

Aight, dang, I'll put the "man" back in now. But I'm saying...did ya'll see them...for real?!

Monday, June 27, 2005

Preparing for the future

Sometimes you need to see something in print to have it help sink in. So I'm writing this now so when the moment in time finally comes, I can reach back in the archives and read it over and over as needed.

"The time has come. He is not going to leave them, whatever the circumstances are. It's time to pick up and move along."

Great, looks good in print. Now all I have to do, is feel it

I Don't Know If I Know How To Date

Soliciting advice...ya'll help me out here

Ok here are the facts:
I met this guy a few weeks ago, and I'm acatully interested in getting to know him. This doesn't happen very often. We've talked on the phone for the past week or so and coversation is pretty good. We had plans to go out on a date, but I missed his call so we ended up meeting up at a club for a couple drinks since I was already out. For the record, in my opinion, a club meeting of any type is not a "date". Therefore, we have not yet been on our first date. Now, I also, don't think a person's home is a good place for a first date either.

With all of that said, last night he asked me to swing by his place for a few minutes to chat. I told him I'd give him a call and let him know if I could make it. I didn't(and still don't) think it would've been a good idea to do that, for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I hardly know this guy to be going to his home, he could be crazy(so I sound a little paranoid, so what?). Second, it doesn't seem like a good idea to go to his home when we have yet to go out on a date. I wouldn't want him to think he doesn't have to "court me", we can just chill at his home all the time. I think this would set the scenario for this to become a pattern. Third, there is a sexual tension between us. And I do NOT want to promote, provoke, or encourage that this early on.

So, what's a girl to do? Am I overanalyzing, overreacting, or is there something shouldbe doing that I'm not?

Friday, June 24, 2005

The good news is...

I recognize:
  • I am in "relationship mode"
  • that I fall too fast
  • I give too much to soon
  • I can feel for someone other than my Hero

Aw shoot, I think I may be a lil dangerous I've figured out at least a big piece of the puzzle. I know all the W's: who, what, when, where, and why. Now I have to apply all that to the How. How to walk in to the next "relationship", for lack of a better word. I have to evaluate the information I have now and work within myself to do and/or not do some of the things that are normal or comfortable to me when engaging with the next person I meet that I see potential in.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

*@$#*$%@!!! - This is all the warning you get on this entry

Dammit, I refuse to think I am just blind, dumb, and/or stupid. I am 26 damn years old; been married and divorced, and am raising a very bright young man, practically by my damn self. I am educated, and as much as I hate my job it is still a job that requires more thought than working at Wendy's(no offense if you work at Wendys). I love the man. Shit, ok, I love him. I can't help that. And really, right now I don't want to. I might be living in my own illusion right now in thinking there is a possiblity that one day we could "be". But hello, read my words...POSSIBILITY...I am not sitting waiting, hoping, withering away for the damn day he comes to me and says "We ain't getting no younger we might as well do this".

Dating might suck right now, but I am attempting to work with it. I know that no one else approves, or thinks hes good enough for me. I'm sorry if I am disappointing you. Somedays I think I am disappointing myself. But, I am not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. I saw my ex-husband for the deceitful, worthless, manipulaiting piece of shit he is early on. hell I saw it before we were married. But I was young, had just had my son, and my pride more than anything wouldnt allow me to leave. I grew strong, I fonud my self-worth and I walked. I haven't lost myself here. I am still and always will be me. Headstrong, passionate, devoted, and most of all, loving of myself and those that love me.

So our relationship is complicated. Most of them are. I didn't know this for a long time. I always thought it was going to be easy. You fall in love and you "be together" and that's it. Well through friends, family, and blog hopping(God bless blogs!), I know I am not the only one with complicated relationships. Maybe that makes us all stupid, or maybe thats just a way of life. Either way, its my way of life, and as long as I am happy right now...

I'm done.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Admiration and Integrity

It's been three workdays now, and I still am not over the shock of my at work crush being gone. I came in at 7 this moring, which used to be his schedeule, and instictively I walked by his desk looking for him. I didn't think I was going to be this affected, but I miss my sweetie pie.

His last day here, Thursday, I fessed up. I had blogged about him in my "public space" one day a few months ago and he'd read it. I send him the link to the page from the archives and asked him if it ever crossed his mind that I was talking aboout him. He said he didn't; I have to I told him that was all that was left to confess. Curiosity was eating at him and he still wanted to know what exactly is pierced. That, I told him, he'd have to find out on his own. He left early in the day as he had to catch a flight for work, so our day was cut short. I can't lie I really did want to cry at his leaving but I did good. We hugged (OMG! if that wasn't the best hug in the world)and said our goodbyes...and then he was gone...sigh

I never got that phone call. We never hooked up. And I admire him so much for that. Depite whatever he and his (semi) girl are going through, they are in fact still together. And the fact that he opted to NOT act on an oportunity that was thrown in front of him impresses me so much. A man with those kind of morals is sooo hard to fnid anymore. My admiration for him has swelled and I'll have have a respect for his integrity, and he's now been pushed form the "wanna do him" kinda crush to the "if you ever leave her, I'd love an opportunity" kinda crush. I wish him well and hope he does in fact keep in touch.

Monday, June 20, 2005

The calm during the storm?

***Warning: there will be random rambling in this entry.***

Its been 20 days since the “come to Jesus” conversation with my Hero. And the first 17 were beautiful. Peaceful, at least in my heart. It felt good to know what’s what, and feel like I can believe the words coming out of his mouth. I can’t tell if my feeling less distanced from him is causing me to see him and his actions differently. It seems as if he is working at making me happy, emotionally now, not just providing for me when I need something. Although, it seems like those days never end, cause I’ll be damned if the new car ain't in the shop already, but I digress. I can’t say he has never been satisfying to me emotionally, because I know if that were the case, I shouldn’t have kept him around so long…it’s different now because I can see it now though. I don’t know, I’m sure that makes no sense really (this seems to be the moment in time where every one feels like what they feel makes no sense).

Anyway, I was enjoying the peace of mind of feeling just love until this past Friday night/Saturday morning. I played hooky just for a couple hours from work and we spend Friday morning snuggled up in bed. Because of that “extra” QT that morning, I told him I wouldn’t be mad if we didn’t follow our normal Friday ritual of getting together after our separate hanging out. Around midnight or so, I text him with Amerie – Touch (I just LOVE that song) and go not reply. But I figured he just didn’t have a song to send back whichis cool. On my way home, around 2:30 – 3:00, I text him to confirm if he was coming over or not. No response. So yeah, I went to bed pissed. It’s not normal for him to not respond to a Friday night text, even if to say “No” or “Not Yet” or whatever.

Saturday morning, he picked me up around 11 or so and we went to the gym. I hadn’t been in 2 years and I must say I realize I miss it. It hurt like hell, but in a good way, and allowed me to vent my frustration in a productive way. And since he was the one “inflicting the pain” as my trainer, it allowed me to curse him as well. We had a good time though. Heading home, I explained to him that I was annoyed that eh didn’t return my text. When he told me he was sleeping, I felt my heart sink. For the first time in 2 weeks, I didn’t believe him. Damn. We grabbed a bite to eat and went back to my place and chilled for a bit before we both needed to get a move on the rest of our day.

After he left, it all kinda sunk in for me…the peace of mind I’d become accustomed to in a short period of time had vanished just like that. I texted him and told him that “it was nice to have been able to believe the words out of his mouth for a while; it was good while it lasted”. My phone rang in an instant. His voice sounded panicked. “What was good while it lasted?!” I told him that I didn’t really believe his explanation about not returning my text the night before. He sounded relived but didn’t say much to it..I think he’s gotten used to it. I hope that at least means he acknowledges where my distrust comes from. Its not something I’m even considering putting effort into controlling, because he’s not mine technically so I don’t have to trust him. I could just chose to walk away and not deal with how I feel anymore. But I don’t. I’m a wimp, I’m a fool, and I’m in love…so I stay.

We had another texting issue Saturday night too, which enraged me even more. This time he asked where I was going to be at, making it sounds as if he planned to come to where I was to kick it. Yet, I closed the spot down…and he was never there. I gave him the benefit of the doubt; thought maybe we just didn’t cross paths. But no text, no voicemail, nothing from him. When he got to my house Sunday night, I didn’t realize it initially,. But he knew I was “displeased”. He came in with his shirt off, because he’d been wearing a shirt that I just do NOT like on him. Sat down and took his shoes off immediately because I’ve always said I can tell if he’s staying of not by how comfortable he does or doesn’t get. I could hear the passiveness in his voice as we spoke, like he was waiting for me to drop down on him. That was really amusing to me, because I am not the type to blow up over things. I have to be VERY pissed off and it has to have escalated during a heated discussion. I learned self control from blowing up on my ex-husband time and time again. Anyway, after our shows went off, I saod to him very sweetly that I would have appreciated if he’d told me he wasn’t coming to where I was going to be. He claims I misunderstood his line of questioning, which I admit is possible.

I let it go, but it is stocked up on top of the re-disappearance of trust and I know stuff is going to keep piling up. I can already feel the animosity coming back. Have felt it since Saturday. It’s infectious; it changes everything I feel and all of my interactions with him. Sigh. I have to think there is some reason why I haven’t/don’t/can’t let go. I’m not this damn weak minded. If I could leave the father of my child…I know I could leave my Hero too? Is there something going on here I just can’t see? Grrrrr

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Escape to the world of fantasy(Book Meme)

Beloved tagged me anout 2 weeks ago, and I have been so busy I haven't had a chance until now to get to it. I used to read so much when I was younger(i.e. had less responsibilties), I'd confuse things I read in books with real life stories people shared with me. I'm a little busier now, but I still try to make time to read outside of school curriculm books.

Total Number of Books Owned: I really have to guessimate here. I have books here in Atl, books back home in NY, and we won't count books that have been "loaned out", never to be seen again. Guessitmation: 150 - 200

Last book(s) I bought: In the Meantime and One Day My Soul Just Opened Up - Iyanla Vanzantz, The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle

Last book I read (leisure): Odd Thomas - Dean Koontz

Current book I am reading: Nothing at the moment...a trip to Borders and is very overdue. Planning to read the Left Behind series. I have heard that it is great Chrsitian fiction, which is a new area for me.

Fiction or Non-Fiction: 75% non-fiction/25% fiction

First book I read: Sadly, not only do I not know, but my parents don't either(yes I called them They didn't know I could read, and found me reading one day when I was 4 and were just caught off guard, and neither of them remember.

Most read book: Mama - Terry McMillan

Largest Impact: In the Meantime really hsa has the most impact on me to date, bcause you can apply so many of the "principles" she teacjes into to everyday situations...God bless self help books.

Sexiest Book: The Sex Chrionicle - Zane She put black erotica on the map for me.

Biggest Disappointment: Stephen King anything after 1995. I don't know what happened, or where he lost it, but I miss the days of It

Five Books that Mean Something to me: In the Meantime, Everyday I Pray - Iyanla Vanzantz; The Power of a Praying Wife - Stormie Omartian; The Purporse Driven Life - Rick Warren

Would love to pass this on to Mimi and Obi

Running away from Sundays

A very bad habit is forming in my life and I gotta find a way to eliminate it. This is the third Sunady in a row that I have been depressed. I don't know why its only Sundays; but every Sunday, I am depressed. These aren't the only three, there have been others, but it has been three in a row this time around.

Initially, I thought it was because I was spending my Saturday nights with my Hero, and I was just depressed about him not being here the next day. But, last night's activities were totally different. I went out with my girlfriends and had a great time. So the theory of being depressed because he isn't here is now out of the window. I can't say it's because I'm home alone, because even when my son was home, I would still get depressed. I'm not stressed by school. I'm not PMS'ing. I thought maybe it was because I hadn't been going to church quite as much as before, but that hasn't helped either.

I don't know; I can't quite put my finger on it. I haven't yet ruled out my worries about my finances, but that's an everyday thing. Why would it increase on Sundays? Something is digging at me...I gotta figure it out and fix it quick.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

This isn't my idea of fun

I really, really have tried to make it fun, exciting, interesting, and everything else people say dating is supposed to be. But, I don't find it to be any of that. I have never really enjoyed the "dating game". The whole song and dance of getting to know someone: "What do you do?" "Where are you from?" "What do you want in x,y,z scenario?" None of this appeals to me. Not that I don't enjoy getting to know people in general, because that is how you make friends; but, the premise of "dating" changes all the rules.

I'm bored with it all. It's almost like a waste of time. You spend, let's say two weeks talking (or in my case usually chating, 'cause I am not reeally a phone person), maybe hanging out once or twice, to find that this person not only has no potential, but is nothing along the lines of "date-able". This wouldn't be a bad thing IF you two could simply just be friends after you come to that realization. However, one ends up feeling the other, and makes it a mission to show that person why they should want to be with them instead of just enjoying the other person as a friend.

Or you meet those individuals, like the one I am chatting with at the moment as I write this. A girlfriend of mine met this guy,HR, out one evening but sh has a boyfirend, so she introduced us online. Two days ago. He's telling me at this very moment why he has fallen for me on the "You've Got Mail" tip. All kinda alarms are going off attahis very moment. He has pressed the crazy button. He'd already pressed the insecure button in out first hour of conversation, but I figured I'd give him a chance and get to know him. I do have a tendancy to cut people off really quick for little things. Anyway, him telling me that he has "fallen for me" is a major sign that this guy a little too eager to settle down with someone. Nah, man, uhh uhhh...I did that one already. That's how I ended up married with a baby, and trying to figure out six months later what the hell I had gotten myself into, finding Internet relationships he was in all over the place. Nah, I know better this time around. HR will be kept way on the back burner, until I lose my patience(I give it about a week) and toss him out all together.

Or still, you meet ones who act all interested when they first meet you day one. Call you up, have great convo, make a date, then have to rescedule. That is not at all an issue for me. I'd rather you call me and reschedule then pull a "no call, no show". But, then we talk again, you tell me to call you early in the week...and you never return my call. I mean, my goodness, don't act all interested, and then just disappear. I guess it's a little too much to ask for a tiny bit of courtesy. So goes the date with the cutie for NY.

Or even worse...letm me just tell The Poet and I went out about a month or so ago now. Had lunch, really great conversation, and I was actaully seeing in him the "possible Hero replacement" light. After our meal, I drove him back to his car, and unbeknownst to us both her dropped his cell phone along side the car and it slid down where neiher us of could see. As we pulled out the restaurant driveway, he asked if his phone was sitting there. I looked as best I could, and didnt see it. Now considering I was driving at the time, I couldnt exactly dig all thru the car to look. I get home a few hours later, and I see his Yahoo status message reads he lost his cell phone. So I go look all thru the car and find it up under the seat. I send him an IM to let him know, he comes to my home to get it. He says everything is cool, recognized it was accidental on my part and goes on his way. All of a sudden, our correspondance dwindles. I speak, he replies in those one or two word responses. Ok, I'm not aren't that busy for that long that you can't respond...I can take a hint. Be a man, and come out with it, if you are pissed enough about a situation like that that you don't want to continue our friendship, then to hell with you, your loss, but man up and tell me.

For this blog to be about me and my dating and going down the path to find "Happy Ever After"...don't know what I'll blog about if there's no

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Down to the wire

Two days and counting. My at work crush's last day it Thrusday. I'm not really depressed, just hate to see my boy go. Before he was my crush, he was(and still) is my friend. But I still wanna do him...lmao

The flirting is still getting hot and heavy...for flirting anyway. Last week, the dude that sits next to me somehow got us on the topic of piercings. Well my crush comes by and jumps into the convo and they ask me "Do you have any piercings?" I answered the way any guilty person would "I'm gonna plead the 5th and go back to my desk now" They try to question me, and I keep saying I don't have any. Well my crush asks if it hurt, and before I thought about it, I say "No". DUH Me!!!...LOL Then he's all on me..."where, what, can you feel it when you walk?" I am cracking up at his imagination. Later on at his desk, he asks again if it hurt and I tell him no. He asks what is pierced and I tell him I'm not telling him; but he could always find out. He just gives me that devilish laugh he gives when he's trying to behave.

The next day, he comes up to my desk and pulls my hair in mid conversation; not notice, no nothing. Now the last time he did that I told him he really need not do that...and he quickly figured out why after joking about being able to tell I like that. So this time, was not accidental. Hell, I needed to change my thongs after that one, 'cause he reached in and pulled real good before I even realized what was happening...damn him. He came by later in the day to help me with an issue and I said to him "What am I gonna do once you are gone, who else is gonna help me?" He said all I had to do was pick up and call him. Well, I told him that would be easy except I don't have the number. He proceeds to let me know that I never asked for it. While this is true...I still said that was BS. But of course i never asked for it; he has/had a girl. Anyway, I picked up his phone and just put my number in his. I'm not putting the pressure on myself. I have dropped more than enoughhints. if he wants, he knows how to reach me.

Today though, he made it a point to let me know that his girl is going out of town and he's gonna be home chillin tomorrow night. Now again, I could be reading what I want to into him telling me that(I am very guilty of doing that) So of course I am wondering if I am going to get a phone call tomorrow evening. I hope the hell so. He leaves on Sunday night, so at this point, why not?...LOL

Monday, June 13, 2005

Conflicting outlook

Once of my favorite cousins in getting married at the end of July here in Atlanta. A lot of my family is coming down and I am so excited because I haven't some of them in quite a few years. I go home very infrequently and when I do I usually only get to see my close relatives. I have to RSVP by the 20th of this month and I know I don't want to go by myself. I mean I could of course, its my fam afetr all, but I kinda want to invite my Hero.

I'd like him to go with me, really just because I like having him around. We always have a good time no matter what we do. I don't feel pressure to invite "a date" because its a wedding, I only want to invite him. But I am torn because, typically, when you invite a "date" is is assumed that you are together. Or at least that is the sterotypical view I have always had and assumed everyone else does too. Maybe I am wrong. But, he and I are not "together" at least verbally committed anyway, so I don't want to give off the wrong impression.

I don't know, I'm a little torn and confused on the whole issue. I have to mail the RSVP back by Wednesday to be sure it gets there in time, so I have to make a decision soon. I dont know if I should include him in soemthnig so "family-oriented' when he cant/doesn't do the same with me. Knowing me, I'll just ask him anyway, and take him. He's already met my mom from her visit for Christmas, so I guess what's the point in not taking him.

Whats with all the confessions lately

This seems to be the week for confessions. There must be something in the water. I've had a few people confess to me and I am close to making a confession of my own. One of my best friends, Tan, was married to my ex-husband’s best friend, CT so we all were close at one point. Well while we were still married, my ex took it upon himself to share a fantasy he had about himself, me and CT having a threesome. I had been aware of the fantasy, but unaware that he'd share it with CT until after we'd all separated from our spouses. I was still cool with CT despite his split with Tan, and somehow it came up in conversation one day. We discussed our feelings about it, and admitted that there was a sexual attraction between us. This left an awkwardness between us for months, which finally culminated into a sexual fling when I moved back to VA where they still lived. I admit, it was still awkward because this man had been married to my best friend, and the fling therefore was very short lived. My conscious kicked in after the first few times and forced me to shut the whole fling down. Anyway, that was back in early 2003. Now, we are still cool of course, and still talk about our love lives (or lack of). For some reason, out of nowhere, the other day he confessed to me that he had always felt I should've been with him instead of my ex. I was shocked, to say the least. I had no idea that he'd even "felt" anything for me, other than physical. When I said this to him, he sounded almost hurt. It wasn't that it never crossed my mind, because I think anytime you are intimate with someone, a relationship will always enter your mind at some point. But I knew then, just like I know now that could never ever be. Nor would I really want it to. He's cool as a friend, and a great guy for someone else, but there are ways about him that just are not for me. But that confession came as a hell of a surprise to me.
I started my job about 15 months ago, and this guy had been trying to hit on my from the moment I sat with him to train. No big deal, we talked on the phone once, and that was about it. He offered to do some thing around the house for me, since I'd just moved, but typically like most others, he never followed through. I got a call one Saturday morning from this girl, claiming to be his girlfriend, saying she got my number off his voicemail and just wanted to find out who I was and why I was calling. She was very polite, so I was the same in return. I recall she said her name at the time, but I didn't pay it any attention...I had no reason to. Fast forward to last week...I get an IM from one of my co-workers, C. C is cool with another co-work that i am really close with, but C and I aren't that close. C tells me that she wanted to apologize to me, for making a decision to not like me without getting to know me. I didn't ask her to elaborate; people do that to me all the time, so I'm used to it. They look at me, they judge me, without ever having even spoken to me. So I simply said to her, that it was all good, and thanks for taking a minute to get to know me and see who I really am. I was cool to leave it at that. She continued however, and explained to me that she disliked me because I had talked to her boyfriend on the phone, and he was always talking about me, throwing me up into their arguments. The moment she told me, I'd talked to him on the phone and she'd called me from his voicemail, it all clicked and I realized what was going on. I told her, that I had no idea at the time it was her, because I had just started there. Told her I was sorry she had to go through all that with him. I didn't tell her, how much more I knew from the work grapevine about her being pregnant by him, and planning to not have the baby. Nor did I elaborate on how much he had been continuously hitting on me, til I finally had to get nasty with him about it, or how much he seriously tried to pursue countless others in the office. I'm glad she felt better about confessing that, but I'm even gladder that I had no real part in any off that relationship.
My at work crush's last day is this Thursday. I am really, really considering putting it out on the line, and just telling him exactly what I want: just one time, one night of hot sweaty, pass-the-hell-out sex. I mean, hell, he's leaving, what do I have to lose right? But at the same time, he is a good friend and I wouldn't want to mess that up either. Hmm, everyone else is doing it? The worst he could say is, hell no, right?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Not to blog...what a challange

I miss ya'll! I haven't been bloging cause it's sapping my creativity and I need it for other areas right now. I'll be back in about a week or so(I'm gonna try to stay away that long anyway) with updates on my at work crush, my date with the new cutie from NY, and my Hero.

See you soon!

Monday, June 06, 2005

Losing myself

Atlanta has a way of mysteriously taking a hold of the weak minded and making it easier for them to lose their way on t he path they intended to travel. Now some of that could be down the path that God wants you to see, to learn from. And some of it is just the Devil and his wickedness. Either way, I have lost some of my own focus in life.

I'm recognizing that my relationship with God isn't quite where I intend for it to be. I fell to pieces last night. Now granted, part of my falling apart was due oPMS. I swear the older I get, the worse it gets. And I'm not old at all, so I'm getting Anyway, as I completely broke down last night, I cried, for everything and nothing. For everything I want and don't have; for everything He wants me to have that I am not yet deserving of. And I prayed. I didn't know what to pray for, so I just prayed for Him to help every way that He recognizes I need help: my finances, my career, my relationships, my family, my son, and my own walk with Him.

My emotional breakdown was much overdue, and needed. I think I have begun to find ME again. Teh ME I want to be...that He wants me to be.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

It's so hard to say goodbye


My at work crush got the official offer from Nascar yesterday. He put in his two week notice today. He's gonna be gone! As if I wasn't already miserable here at I have no eyecandy, no one to flirt with. Yeah, its really time to put that degree to use and find a new job. I may not have anyone to look at with a new job, but at least I'd be happier.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Tell me a story...

This is exactly how I came at him: "Tell me a story that starts last August. Don't leave out any details, and don't stop or hesitate; don't give me any reason NOT to believe you."

It was finally time, it had come to a head for me emotionally and I needed the truth; I couldn't let another day go by. So I texted my Hero and told him to make an hour free for me last night. When I got home, he was already there, as I had been running slightly behind schedule. He came in, and we laughed and joked about each other's day. After getting settled in I simply asked him to tell me a story.

And so he did...from the beginning of when we met, all the way up until now. As I listened to the timeline of events that took place, I feared that I wouldn't believe him. When he told me why he was keeping me away from his home last year, I still didn't like it, but it still made sense that he was trying to protect me from his ex. When he told me that his mom was in his ear about getting back together with his ex, I believed him. When he told me how it came to be that she became preganant, despite it happening while we were "together", I believed him. We talked about where things are at home now, and how he feels, and what he wants. We talked about why I stay with him, why he stays with me, and why he feels obligated to stay with her.

By this point, mentally I was just exhasuted. Not so much overwhelmed, I just had to process everything I was hearing. It was as if the words and sounds were floating above my head in a big cloud: "ex-wife", "divorced", "us", "want to be with you", "baby coming", "love you, "condom broke", "doing the right thing". I sat back and just closed my eyes and just breathed.

The scariest thing to me, was that I was believing what was being said. Not just that it sounded like it made sense, which was how I felt about the initial explaination. No, this time I believed it all, in my heart, mind and soul. This time, it was my heart that said "Brace yourself for more later" and my mind that say "No, it is as he says". That is not a normal occurance for me with matters of the heart.

The door to honest upfront communication had been opened and I planned to use my time wisely. After another moment, I asked about things that had gotten back to me from various places. I asked about him sleeping with a particular person that we mutually associate with. She is not a friend, merely someone who is known in "the circle"..and she is known as being "out there" in a few ways, so it came as no surpise to me when I heard about it. He told me how that came to take place, and how it somewhat spiraled out of control, including the fact that she was the one who scratched him in his face that night(again, no surprise sympathy from me). I asked him about giving other people "permission" to try to sleep with me. His explaination was one that I expected, and accepted easily: if they wanted to try, go right ahead and come at me, if it got out of hand, he'd handle it. Plenty tried, none succeded, and because I never said anything to him about anyone saying anything to me, it was left unspoken.

Again, I closed my eyes, and let the words an dsounds just settle around me. We talked about mutual friends and how those that love me, don't want me to be with him because of the things they see and how they feel I deserve more. He understood...and understands that I am my own woman that makes my own decsions. There was no talk of the future...and I wanted none. I don;t want empty promises, I don't want wishfulthinking. I want to live in the now. I know the baby will be here in August. I know my time will be limited afte rthat. We'll see what happens when that time comes, and how much I am able to handle then.

For now, I am very satisfied with having the TRUTH. My heart and head are much, much lighter now and I can see clearly now. I do not fear that he has lied again. My intuiton does not tell me so. When I ignore it, I get hurt. Time and time again, I have seen this. I don't feel the need to prepare myself for more. I feel that I have it. And I am at peace.