Saturday, July 30, 2005

A new chapter begins

Lil Hero is here. He arrived yesterday afternoon. My excitement surprised me. I am very, very happy for myHero as crazy as that sounds. The 'woman' in me is happy for him. He has a baby now, how can I not be excited? The 'mistress' in me can't figure out why I should be excited. Lil Hero changes everything now. My Hero will of course be home with them more now, which I am as prepared for as I can be. That limits my time. But I wouldn't respect him if it wasn't any other way.

I know this is gonna sound crazy because it feels crazy. My best friend in Texas, #48, has been my friend for oever eight years now. We met in college and fell in love instantly. But I moved away and we couldn't do the long distance thing. Two college studenta with no money; we knew we'd never see each other, it just couldn't work. For years after, we loved each other though; that depp, unfaltering, romantic kind of love. I got married and had my son. He tried to work things out with his daughters mother. Both relationships crashed and burned for their own tumultous reasons. One day, my son was probably three or so, #48 told me that he always felt that in a way my son was his. That was profound to me, because it gave a definition to how deep his love ran for me. That he could feel that for the child I bore with another man, a child he has never met, was almost too much for me to bear. I undersatnd it all too well now. I feel that love for Lil Hero. I feel that he is mine. Because he is my Hero's that makes me love him as my own. But this feeling is more than that. I feel that he is my son too. I know, it's crazy and I can't explain it anymore than that, but it is what it is.

I still haven't spoken to him yet. When I do, I am very curious why She had to be induced and if there is a remote chance Lil Hero is not my Hero's. Now that he is here, I don't wish for that so much. My hero is ahppy, I can feel it. I wuldn't want him to lose that. To wish for that is selfish. If we're meant to be together, it'll happen; just another way.

Friday, July 29, 2005

The winds of change are upon us

They are inducing Her labor today. The baby will be here shortly. And I am having a million confilicted feelings. Of course I knew this day was coming, although it is just a few days earlier than the due date, but I guess I just couldn't have prepared for it.

I want everything to go well for my Hero and Her, as far as the baby, I mean. 10 fingers, 10 toess healthy and all that stuff. I confess that I have had very bad thoughts about the labor not going so well for her. I am so ashamed for thinking that way. I am not at all a bad person and I know how wrong it is to wish bad to happen to someone else in order to make something good for myself, but the fact of the matter is, I have been. The mintue I read the text he sent me saying they are in Her, my first thought was :I hope it goes alright, and I didn't mean what I have been thinking, I want Her to be ok too". Part of me is still clinging to the hope that the baby is not his. I don't know that it is even a possibility; he initially said it was, then he took it back later. I have always wondered if that is one of the things he said to me to push me away when we broke up the second time. Once I get a grip on my emotions, I have every intention on asking him...but I'm not ready yet.

I am keeping my selfishness to myself. I am mad that they are inducing Her this weekend because now he can't go to the wedding with me. I'd been looking forward to having him with me for that. And of course just the QT as well. We were supposed to go to Vision tonight, which I was really looking forward to because we haven't been out dancing in quite some time now. For the moment, I feel the need to avoid speaking to him for fear that he will hear the emotion in my voice. I already know he is worried about me feelings based on the tone in his text. He's still trying to find a way to attend the wedding and handle some other appointments we had for next week. All I can do is reassure him to focus on them. But, I know him; he's stubborn.

I am very glad I have a very full weekend and upcoming week ahead. I really feel the need to keep myself occupied while I adjust to everything. In a minute my son will be back home for school, class will resume for me soon after, on top of the business project I am working on, I will be plenty occupied. Hopefully, that will keep me distracted enough for whatever is or is not about to happen in the very near future.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

The (un)Importance of a Title

For as much that is wrong my relationship with my Hero, I see ten times more right. Taking a step back from the main fact that She is still living with him for just a moment here:
When I need...he is right there.
When I fall...he picks me up.
When things look down...he motivates me to keep looking up.
When I am happy...he wants to share my joy.

He wants and knows how to bring me happiness. He wants me to be at peace in all aspects of my life. And I love anyone that has that much love for me.

He rearranged his entire schedule for weeks when I had no transportation. He covers that bill when I can't. He brings me food when I am sick. He kicks it with my son when I need rest. He leaves sweet/thoughtful/naughty cards for me at my door so I find them when I come home. He brings me little things he knows I like when he goes away for work. He texts me in the middle of the day just to let me know that I am with him in spirit since I can be in the physical. He loves me for who am I. He loves me just as much for who I am not. And he loves me for all I want to be.

A love like that doesn't come along everyday. I realized what qualities I needed versus what I wanted with my exhusband. I need this man. My Hero has been this man for the moment we began. And he showed me how to accept this man in my life when I didn't know how to let him be "a man" and how to be "a woman" in a relationship.

I still won't say I am 100% positive that we will be together. I still believe he could only be meant to show me what is possible out there. Hell, I have no way of knowing that without seeing this thing through. But instict and prayer are my guide right now in life and this is no execption.

Rigth now, his title is unimportant to me. His label doesn't dictate his actions. If he didn't he wouldn't do one/onehundreth of the things he does for me. What he isn't is my "boyfriend". What he is is the man that has my back in every way possible and that is all I ask of him.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Secret Lovers

This weekend, I realized that I am actually enjoying our love being "a secret" so to speak; at least from my friends anyway. We were all sitting around this weekend analyzing some of our love lives or lack thereof and as I was listening and occasionally putting in my two cents, I kept hoping that the conversation didn't turn towards me. I wouldn't have discussed my relationship with my Hero with them. I don't like people all up in my business and being that they all know him, to me discussing our relationship is almost gossiping. Even beyond that, I like having something that they don't know about. I guess it's because I have never been one to have a large group of girlfriends, I don't want to share my "goodness" with them. Then they will want to ask me about it, and then I have to reveal when its not so good too and I just am not a person that is comfortable with that. That’s one of the biggest reasons I run and hide here. Here I can let out all my frustrations ,or joy, or whatever without having to worry about what they think about it, or even more so who they are gonna run back and tell. I don’t gossip and I don’t want to be the gossip. For now he's my little secret and unless something bigger comes from our relationship, I pretty much plan to keep him that way.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Would it be such a surpise if it doesn't work?

Sigh...I am starting to have my doubts about AD. It not anything he has done, per se, more of what he hasn't done. I let the "dating" thing slide because he was having some issues. I can appreciate his honestly, hell we all have issues. But when you develop a pattern of only calling or texting me after 11:00PM asking me what I'm doing, we have a problem. We've kicked it a total of three times, not including when I dropped hi off at the airport. Each time has been hella cool, and yes we had sex, but dammit cause I wanted I still don't and won't regret that. The funny thing is I get the impression he is in fact interested in me, but at the same time he isn't doing all that great a job at showing it. I know I sometimes have high expectation of people, so I don't want to blow it out of proportion. At the same time, I really ain't gonna keep dropping obvious hints (i.e. text last night: "one of these days u gonna try to spend some time with me in the daylight") either. I'm digging him, not just as a distraction from my Hero, but at the same time, I sure ain't gonna chase anyone down either.

Over this past week, I reconnected with this guy I used to hang out with. He's a foot lover and we used to get together occasional for him to spend some QT with my feet(hey I can't help it if I am blessed with overly pretty He's not a bad guy, just not my type at all. Besides most "footmen" I have met are a little odd. One thing about him though is that he used to always tell me how much I am worth. That I should be spoiled and to make men work for me, to always be a challenge, even though he didn’t want me to be such of a challenge to But I remember that, and I know he is right. I used to be good at it, but the sacrifice was that I was cold, and I don’t last very long like that. I just am not that "playa"chick that keeps a stable of men for this need at that. It was cool for about a month but it gets old. I'm just not in that mindset. And I am not about to try to fall back into it. So AD better either straighten up, or he's gonna end up getting the hell on.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


It still amazes me after almost a year of being together, that the words that my Hero says still affect me the way they do. I don’t know what it is. Not so much that what he says is law, not by a long shot. But he can apologize or explain something and I just know it is what he says. I think about it and it’s crazy to me because from the outside looking in it would seem like I’m just some airhead silly little girl who believes whatever she’s told. But having been through all the lies and deceit and drama with my ex-husband, I knew and ignored the truth then. I recognize and face the truth head on now. And the feeling that overcomes me when I know that he is telling the truth astounds me.

Monday we went back and forth via text, or should I say I texted and he finally emailed. And when I read it, I was at peace. He basically said that he never lied, the entire weekend; none of it was a lie. He really gave me the cash to try to help me out in case I needed it, because he knows I won’t ask. He really was trying to keep work out of “our weekend” which was why he went outside. And he really didn’t realize that my best friend was still even listed in his phone that way. He said he couldn’t imagine how I could’ve had a good time over the weekend with all that going on in my head, and that it hurts him to know that I look for things when there is nothing more beyond the surface. It’s that last part that really got to me, because I know it is true. I am “trained” to look 5 steps ahead because if not, I’ve always gotten stepped on and walked over. But what happens when you look for something, sooner or later you are bound to find something; one way or another. And that’s what I did. All last week, I got settled in feeling confidant that we’d established a great line of trust, and then it blew apart over one weekend. Did I subconsciously try to mess up “a good thing”?

He came over later that evening. I had been talking about the situation with a one of my favorite bloggers. She was telling me about a similar situation she’d learned from, and I really could see where I too have learned and grown. It also made me think about what I want and if I think it is attainable. Of course I still don’t know, and that is just the way love goes; you can never be 100% sure. You have to take some chances. I’m still willing to leave my neck on the line.

He and I talked for hours. I wasn’t expecting that, but was very appreciative of it. We both had some apologies to make. We both had some explaining to do. And we both had some promises to make to each other. The highlight for me (besides the make up sex…lol) was his admission that I really had shown him that he could tell me anything and not be judged or criticized and that I would still have his back. I didn’t know for certain that he knew that. It felt good to hear it from his mouth.

Is it normal after a fight to feel stronger? We don’t fight too often, and I am hesitant to even use that word because neither of us are really fighters, we disagree and misunderstand more than anything. Anyway, after we make up, I feel as if our bond grows stronger. I think that is a good sign of a relationship.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Who said "truth hurts"?

In the week leading up to our trip, for some reason, I’d been full of questions. Honestly, I was and still am proud that I have reached the point where I don’t fear posing questions to my Hero, and look forward to the answers, whatever they may be. I love looking forward to the reality of a situation. For weeks, I’d been asking how the house shopping is going. When he settled on one, I was happy for him, and when it fell through, I felt bad. Would I be lying if I didn’t have delusional fantasies of it one day being mine...yeah I would; but over all just happy for him in general.

Throughout one day last week, we had a convo most via text message about what he would do if I came to him and told him that I was leaving him. I wanted to know if he’d try to convince me to stay. To no surprise, his answer was no he wouldn’t try to. If I chose to leave he felt trying to convince me to stay would be a manner of standing in my way and he wouldn’t want to do that. I fully expected that answer; although I didn’t like it at all and I made sure to let him know that.

The day after that, I was curious if he’d gotten the chick that he’d slept with during our “separation” out of his system. I have no idea what made that pop into my mind but it did, and really I was just curious. I text him and asked and his response was simply Yes. Before I could get the next text out to say that I was just curious, he text me again to ask me if I wanted the specifics. Well hell, if you’re offing, I’m not gonna pass up info…lol. He told me she apologized for what she’d done . Apparently, she asked him if he’s still involved with me, and has somewhat stopped coming around, so to speak, since then.

The day before our trip, I asked about the baby and when She is due. That’s a topic we never touch on. I don’t ask, and he doesn’t bring it up. Not that I’m not curious, in a morbid kinda way. I will always feel that she’s carrying the baby I was supposed to, but obviously not since it’s her and not me. Anyway, the due date caused me to think that She had conceived on a trip that I didn’t think She had gone on with him. When I asked, he said she didn’t go, and I’ll admit I was relived.

With all of these questions being out there and so easily answered, I was feeling pretty confidant in where we were, as far as a “truth” perspective. I ask, he answers, he sees that I am pretty much unfazed and glad to just have the truth, and we roll on. And that’s really how I am. Give me the truth, give me the reality of a situation and let me feel my way through it.

A Much Need Mountain Getaway

Needing an escape for a weekend is an understatement to say the least. Although I had just gone a way the weekend before, I was excited about this trip away, alone, just the two of us. We had been trying to get away for about 6 months, first to New York, then San Francisco, but circumstances kept preventing it. This was just perfect; not much could have stepped in the way of this one.

During our “rain extended” drive up we talked about everything under the sun, and nothing at all, just relaxing. There was a question that I had been holding out on, that I asked on the way up. About three weeks or so ago, he’d given me the money to pay for the cabin so I could get it. However, my bank is not local, and he knows that; which means I had to mail that money to have it deposited. I’d been curious why he didn’t just charge the cabin himself. Of course the very first thing that came to mind was that he didn’t want Her to see the charge on his bank statement. Which, if true, contradicted his story that she has no access to his bank accounts. He explained that he was just trying to put some cash in my hand, in the event that I may have needed some at the time and could have taken care of the cabin at a later date. I’ll admit eh had said that at the time he gave it to me, but I doubted it then and I doubted it when he said it this time..and I told him so. He wanted to know how he could get me to believe it,and I told hom that he couldn’t do anything. Either it’s gonna sit right withme or its not. In the back of my mind, I made a mental note to watch over the weekdn and see how he spends.

Friday night, we wandered around, feeling our way around the area, and grabbed a bite to eat. We spent the evening in the cabin, just chillin’; making the best use of the Jacuzzi and kind size loft bed as possible. I don’t know what time we went to bed. The one clock in the cabin was off by I don’t know how many hours and I really didn’t care about the time. This was a weekend of no time schedules, no plans, just whatever. I do know, however, that it was just about 1:00 when we got out of bed the next morning…lol We took our time getting ready to head out and enjoy the town for the day. Before we left I checked my messages on his phone because I was roaming. AS I finished, a thought came over me. I asked him if I could look at his phone. He said yes and I began to find my way around it, only to discover it to be locked(no surprise there). I gave it back to him to unlock it, and he held on to it just too long. I reached for it, and he said hold on he had messages he hadn’t seen yet. At that point, I didn’t want it anymore. It was evident that he was erasing who knows what. Totally defeated the purpose. What’s funny is I didn’t want to look to find, I wanted to look to NOT find. He tried to give it to me, and I told him I didn’t want it anymore. He insisted so I looked to of course find nothing. I gave it back, with a mental note and we rolled out.

Helen really is a cute little town. We wandered around town just sightseeing and people watching, enjoying each others company. It’s funny how I have learned how to enjoy his company even when “something ain’t right” between us. I kept noting that anytime money was spent was in cash, with the exception of our trip to the grocery store. That was put on a debit card I’ve never seen before in my life. Interesting. He cooked Saturday evening, it was very sweet, he cooked, I lounged in the Jacuzzi, with jumbled thoughts of confusion and happiness and sadness swirling in my head of. We stayed late watching movies, just doing nothing and loving it.

Sunday, we found ourselves in bed until 1:30 again. Lazy days are so very nice. Taking our time again, we prepared to go eat and go tubing. If you have never been tubing, you have to go. It was so much more fun than I’d expected. We had lunch at this little Mexican restaurant. He paid for it with his main bank card. I can’t say how relived I was. At that point, I felt lighthearted and overjoyed that I had let my imagination take over.

Back in the cabin we relaxed and he went outside to call his job to set some things up. It began to rain, and as I looked outside to see if he was on his way in, I realized he was sitting in the truck on the phone. Now if you are just calling work, why did you have to go all the way out of earshot? I guess I had forgotten to turn my stupid light off. He came back in and we got in the Jacuzzi again. As we talked I asked him about a question that had been posed in an online group we had been at one time. “Would you go out of your way to convince the person you are with that you are trustworthy?” His answer online had been no, either the person trusted them or they didn’t he didn’t feel he should have to do anything “extra”. He said he didn’t remember that, and that he would in fact if he felt it was necessary to keep that person. I asked him why he went all the way out to the truck to call work, he said he’d left his phone in t car and when he was out there it started to rain. Now I’m not positive whether he had his phone on him or not, it’s possible he left it in the car. But it sounded like BS to me.

It all was starting to catch up to me. All the doubting, the insecurity, the wondering; I felt tired worn down and over all sad and deflated. I’d had enough. Sitting on the sofa, I began to feel it overcome me. I felt the end coming. I couldn’t take anymore of this “not knowing”. As we watched our shows, I moved off the couch and sat at the base of the chair he was sitting in, laying my head on his legs. Silently, I began to cry. I knew that from the way I was sitting he wouldn’t know I was crying and that was as I wanted it. I wanted to be near him because I love him and I needed to cry for what I felt slipping away. I sat there for about an hour, silently crying as I watched tv. When they went off we got up and packed and left around 11:30.

Heading out, I need to use the phone to call my best friend because she had my car. I dialed her number on his phone, and it said “Calling Brandon”. So I thought maybe I’d misdialed. I hung up and dialed again and again it said “Calling Brandon”. He has her number in his phone as some guy’s name to hide it. I didn’t say a word. I just called her and gave his phone back. I sat there silently for about 5 minutes, just letting everything soak in. Then I asked him why he had changed her name in his phone. His response what that he must have accidentally mislabeled it. I told him he could come up with a better excuse than that. I turned in my seat to face the window and we were pretty silent the rest of the trip. I couldn’t help but cry. I cried over the memories of the weekend, the wonderful tie we shared. I cried over the simplicity of my expectations and how he simply refused to meet them. I don’t expect to be the only one, although I would like it. I don’t expect him to be with me all the time. What I do expect is what I expect from anyone I call a “friend’ and that is complete honesty.

He dropped me off to pick up my car, and I told him before I got out, that I have said and done all I can to get him to understand that he can tell me the truth. There is nothing left I can do and he either doesn’t see it or doesn’t care. He asked me to explain my thought process about the cell phone thing. Reluctantly I rehashed it and he gave me the answer I honestly expected when I asked about it before. That She used to go thru his phone but that wasn’t a problem now cause he locked his phone. And he doesn’t call my best friend anymore since they aren’t cool so he never changed it. I told him, he could’ve said that when I first asked, and of course he said that didn’t seem like the right thing to say at the time. I explained to him that I could only hear that excuse so many times before it became meaningless. He claimed it will be the last time. I told him I’m sure it will be.

I don’t know what I am or an not going to do. This trip was well needed for a lot of reasons. We had a great time together and I wouldn’t have wanted to experience it with anyone but him. The memories I have from it are beautiful. I was able to see us from difference perspective too. Spending that amount of time together allowed me to see the “holes” in our relationship that short times together patch up. I don’t know what I want right now other than to just be happy with or without him. I emailed him this morning and basically told him that for a long time it had been my love and faith in us that was holding us together. Don’t have that faith anymore. If he meant what he said about showing me that he’s trustworthy, and he sees a future for us, then I hope he’s willing to show and prove, because right now I do not trust him at all.

Mentally wandering aimlessly

What do you do when the life you imagined shatters before your very eyes? I always said part if the reson I've been unable to leave is because he hasn't done anything devestating to really hurt me, as crazy as that sounds. With the first breakup, he left without a real explainationa nd when he returned he explained and we moved on. The second breakup I left and when I returned after taking some time to think and not wanting to be alone, and we moved forward. But this time, he has actually shattered my thoought, my dreams, my faith and trust in him. My heart is screaming to let him go. Yet, I stil can't bear the thought of being without him. And I know I have been down this path withhim before. I really didn't trust him rigth afte rwe got back together the second time, and I told myself I was gonna stay detached. Yet I didn't. And now here I am again. Hurt again. If the pain went away before, I know it will again. But the trust was reborn before too, which means it could be again. Is that a good thing or a bad thing. If I stay will he keep abusing it? If I go will he realize how much he has thrown away and straighten up? Am I still just living in my fantasy world that we could be "happily ever after"? And do I even want that anymore?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Silly randomness

What is it about a man that is professional by day, street savvy by night; has that intimidating, thuggish, "I'll kick yo azz if you mess with my girl" look, and is as affectionate as a teddy bear that is just so damned sexy. Oh yeah, and is technology and electronically savvy too. Oooolawd!

While daydreaming about getting a new job, since I got a call about an interview(who called me the next damn day to tell me they hired someone before interviewing me *rolling eyes HARD*), why did my daydream include texting my (no longer)at work crush to tell him I finally was leaving. Dang, I thought I was over

My hero and I kinda stumbled into new nicknames for each other a week or so ago. I cringe(and blush) every time he calls me it. I'll never admit to him as much as I act like I don't like it, I absolutely love it. It is so descriptive of me...but I'll never tell him

And we're going away for the weekend; call it a last minute getaway before we both fall back into the harsh realities if summer being over. I'm sure when I get back, I'll have a little bit to share.
(Beloved, am I excused for the weekend or do I have to blog while I'm gone?...LOL)

Monday, July 11, 2005

Instinct will get you everywhere

Well maybe not everywhere, but a lot further than if you choose to ignore it. Instinct told me not to marry my exhusband, to swallow my young pride and take care of my son my damn self. Instead I got four years of serious lesson learning. Instict told me that my best friend, Peaches, child's father was still as manipulative as ever and was gonna mess up and get her caught up in it, despite thembeing years seperated. Instict proved me right...little did I know my name would end up in it, but I could care less. His ways, his words, his lies have been a lot of the reason why it bothers me so much that she can't stand my Hero. A lot of the "gossip" that she has gotten about him has come from the ex and his girl, whom I'm not sure I completly trust either. But since it has been said, it is so. Just like all the gossip about me. But that's neither here nor there...i could give a damn about it.

I've learned to listen and follow my instinct a lot more. I used to brush it off because I can sometimes be impulsive and I couldn't discern between the two. I can tell the difference now, although I'm not sure how, maybe it's a combination of instinct and prayer. But there are things that I just feel that I know. For example, as confsing as it was/is for me, sleeping with AD falls under the instinct category. I just had a feeling it was gonna be ok, even if I am still skeptical. I'm skeptical out of fear that there realy is something there and not because I think he just want to have sex. Instinct tells me not to leave my Hero yet. It's not just my heart telling me to stay, to ride this out and see what happens. I think fighting my instict(and trying to have a little sanity) is what is making me dating other people. I couldn't just sit around and wait for him, doing nothing, while he's at home with Her...that would make me completely stupid even if they aren't "together". But at the same time I can't say I am not waiting to see what happens either.

I want whats best for me; I think that is my Hero. But, in the event that I am wrong...hell there I go doubting instinct right What a mess! At this moment, instict says sit back relax, try to enjoy the ride, and let the rest just happen. So I'm work on that tonight while I get my sushi on with a good friend.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Damn, that was some good ish!

Enjoyed another lovely evening with AD last night. It's nice when you trust what someone says. Or wait, I should rephrase that a little. It’s nice when you don't worry one way or the other about trusting what someone says. The one thing I think I have gotten better at, or at least have rolled into this new "relationship" is to not have any expectations of the person and just see what happens. I am working on leaving my mind open that way if all goes well outstanding and if not then I am somewhat prepared.

Cutting straight to the know how the first time you have sex with someone, you hold back, you don’t give your all, blah blah blah. Well good lawd, AD held back the first time! Last night, I thought I was gonna need to be put into a straight jacket for going crazy the sex was so damn good. It was NOT supposed to be that good that soon. Usually it builds up to that kinda mind blowing sex. Shiiitttt...not with him. I know that the longer I stick around the more trouble I am in when it comes to But what's crazy is despite how phenomenal it was...I felt wrong. I mean I wanted to; I am very attracted to him, I wanted to have sex, but I kept thinking about my Hero. The kisses weren't right. The touch was just off. No matter what I thought or did, i was still thinking of my Hero. I didn't get distracted from thinking of him until probably the middle of being with AD. I didn't feel like I'd cheated or anything, but just uneasy.

I know this is what I asked for. I said that in order to get past my Hero, I was going to have to get involved with someone new. And this is what I want..I think. I guess I didn't really think it would happen, or happen so soon. Yeah yeah I know, be careful what I wish for.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Could this be why it is so

"I guess he felt that it was necessary that I be caught up in emotions to be with him but I just didn't like that feeling of being set up. I almost questioned our entire pseudo-relationship. Then I realized that he was the first man to show me how deeply I could feel emotion and passion. I wouldn't call it love, more like love's cousin infatuation. He came along at a time when I needed to see that my total package is feasible. Our timing may have been off, but HIS timing was just right. Now if I could just let go of that nagging feeling of unfinished business with the Captain."

Fresh from the gifted words of Wise Diva, I think she has perfectly summed up what I'm thinking may be the "meaning" of my relationship with my Hero. I spend way too many days trying to figure out what the purpose of his being in my life is. Thankfully, it is not an obsession, but I often wonder “why was he sent to me”. At the top of the list is, to show me that there is love again after devastation, i.e. my marriage.

My Hero got his name actually because of my feelings about that. I felt early on that he was going to be my savior from myself and my own negative feelings about loving without pain again, and I was in fact very correct. And although loving him has not at all been pain free, he did set me free enough to know that if I can do it once I can do it again. What I am starting to recognize is that just because has been the one to free me “from the bondage of those who never loved me”, that doesn’t mean he is meant to be “the one”.

A Hero's Work

My hero has become the master of my universe.
Single-handedly, he dares to conquer
the great wall surrounding my heart.
Taking one look, you will find him
making his way through the maze of stone,
daring to brave the wall of ice before him.
Fearlessly scaling, he effortlessly melts it down,
the further he continues to climb.
Determination on his face, set upon it in stone,
he shows no signs of yielding.

Only a man such as he, possesses the tools necessary
to topple the ice that has encrusted the heart of my torn soul.
With the virtues of sincerity and honesty in hand,
he is sure to reach his final destination with ease.
And his reward for all of his efforts
will flow in abundance.
Showered he will be, with ever lasting love and admiration.
Adorned with the jewels of this woman’s heart,
He will forever bask in his riches.

Quest4Love - 11/2004

Spill it

As one who doesn’t like to confide too much in others(which is why I love my blog so much…lol), it makes me feel good when other people feel they can confide in me. When someone new does it, I feel honored. To trust someone with their inner feelings and reveal a more vulnerable side to themselves to someone they never have before shows a true respect for the one whom they are entrusting.

AD and I had been playing phone tag for the better part if yesterday and finally caught up with each other around 5 in the afternoon or so. Idle chit chat led me to inquire about his day. His initial answer was “we won’t even discuss negativity today” so I knew it wasn’t a good day. After a few minutes, the conversation led back to his day and he ended up telling me about it. Being the listener that I am, I sat back and listened and responded accordingly. Then he realized he’s spilled out his whole entire day on me after all. He told me that usually he was the one that everyone calls when they are having a jacked up day for him to cheer up. He hadn’t been answering his phone for must people because he wasn’t up to it at the moment. He’d only called me back because he knew I was just calling to say “hey”…which was absolutely right. He told me he doesn’t vent all that often and was glad he felt comfortable to vent with me. I was more than happy to be that sounding board. I know more than anyone how sometimes you really just need to let it all out and then move along.

It didn’t really dawn on my until a little later that he’d entrusted me, and once I did realize that I felt good. In the moment, it was natural for me; it’s just a part of who I am to be there for anyone who needs. But, I felt just a little tingly after thinking back on it.

Friday, July 01, 2005

So what had happened was...

So the new guy, we'll call him AD, and I talked Monday night about why I wouldn't come over to his place. I told him that I didn't want things to go to fast, physically, and he told me figured that was why. We discussed preventing that from happening, and why he hadn't asked me out on a "real date" since the first time. His reason was quite legitimate: he'd had to put some money into his car at the end of the week , so his money wasn't right. I knew he was telling the truth 'cause he'd already told me about that when it happened. I know it's really sad that I instictively weight everything said for validity. One day Ill be able to accept people at face value. Anyway, I decided that I did want to chill with him and since I wasn't about to take us on a date, I would go to his place.

I got over there and we chilled and cracked jokes at the rest of the BET awards. Conversation was flowing quite nicely and we decided to put in a movie. I didn't plan to stay the length of the movie, but we talked through it for the most part anyway. With both of us being pretty affectionate, and me already finding myself pretty comfortable, it wasn't long before we found ourselves making out like two high school kids. We'd kiss, then I'd break away giggling, trying to keep my composure. This went on for about a half hour.

The whole time I'm kissing him and I'm thiking to myself "this feels so weird" and I'm feeling nervous, but excited at the same time. It was making me crazy to be kissing someone other than my Hero, but I wanted it...very conflicting. On top of that, I was having issues with where my body was wanting to go with this. I know me all too well. If I sleep with a guy before I am "ready to", I will totally lose interest in him. I don't know if I lose respect for him or the mystery is gone or what, but I will disappear in a minute. So I'm battling within myself during all of this, trying to figure out "if I'll still respect you in the morning"

Maintaining respect finally tipped the scale and I gave in to my body, having convinced my head to go along for the ride. Of course the moment we were finished...wait let me go back... The sex was great for "first time sex". Showed LOTS of potential to become mind-blowing if feelings ever became involved...very Ok back to "we finished"...I immediately panicked(in my head) What the hell had I just done?! I had to take a minute and regroup and remind myself that I did in fact want to do this, and I do like AD, and thus far he seems genuinely interested. So with that in mind, I fell asleep after his instance that I stay(which was somewhat reassuring). Of course the proof would come the next day when/if he did or didn't call me.

Thankfully, he called and we have continued on business as usual so far. I think this may be the beginning of something nice.