Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Amazingly flattered

A proposition of sex for $1 million dollars would be easier to handle then the proposition I was handed today. I truly am flattered. J and I have always had a great relationship. It began at a bad time; when I was still in the process of divorcing my husband, and I didn't feel it was in anyone's best interest for me to try to get into another relationship. We remained friends, and thought there have been feelings back and forth between the two of us; we have kept a relationship out of the picture for various reasons. He is well versed in the situation with my Hero, and he has his own complicated relationship

Today, J asked me is I thought I could have two husbands; one to pick up the others slack. I told him him, I couldn’t have two husbands, that goes against what I feel about the bonds of marriage. He clarified that he meant 2 “main men” in my life. I told him it wasn’t an impossibility. One would have to be supplying what the other one wasn’t. He then told me that he wanted to be that person in my life; to pick up where my Hero was lacking because it’s obvious to him that he is. At first I was totally blown away. I asked him why he would want to play that role in my life when he deserved more. He feels that he has a better chance at pulling in to the number 1 slot that way. He doesn’t think he is qualified to hold that spot right now…and he’s right. I had deemed him as “incompatible’ based on his lack of initiative in life a little while ago. I will admit I have seen some change; however, I am not re-labeling him just yet. Anyway, I couldn’t believe he was serious; but he is.

I don’t know if I can totally rule he idea out. As friends we are great together. I don’t know that I have the time or energy, to try to take on the responsibility of another “main man”. Nor do I know if that is even what I want. The only slack he could possibly take up is financially. My Hero emotionally covers it all. How in the world do I end up in these crazy situations?..LOL

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Strength, patience, clarity and wisdom

I pray for these four simple things to get me through everyday. And somehow, when I pray for them, they shine through. During my talk with my Hero was no exception. What he wanted to talk about was really simple. As I suspected he sensed my need to not be intimate with him because of the situation. He wanted to confirm that and to distance him self from me. He felt that by spending so much time with me was causing me pain. I could respect that outlook, but I had to clarify for him, and this is where the conversation went from simple to long and complex. I was not upset about the amount of time he was spending with me, or the amount time it was taking for him to get his personal situation in order regarding lil Hero. I was upset because I was under the impression that he was not working things out with Her, albeit based on assumptions I'd made from various conversations; only to find that wasn't the case. A lot of clarification began between the both of us, and as a result:

They are NOT working things out. They really aren't doing anything other than coexisting in the same household. She does her thing and he does his. This I can believe (and he stated this before I even thought about saying it out loud) because of the amount of time his with me. His job is flexible with time in some ways but still time consuming. Combining that with the amount of time he spends at my house, there has been no real time to invest in working it out. He clarified that they haven’t really discussed it; he hasn't wanted to event deal with it, because of other things going on with his job and the house and me. And although I don't like it, I can understand it; having been in a similar situation myself. The bottom line is that he is taking care of lil Hero by way of taking care of her until he decides if he even wants to work it out. Again, I have seen it and lived it, and told him so, but I recognize he has to go through it.

Because of all of that I recognize the importance of being his friend above anything else. Because he doesn't confide in too many people (read one maybe 2 people including me), my desire to be his friends requires me to in someways put my own selfishness away...i.e. I need to work on being patient. That is not to say that I am sticking around expecting the end result to be he decides to be with me. I'd be lying my ass of if I said i don’t want that. But I want him to be happy, with out without me, so I want to be supportive.

After all of that, we both made the decision to leave things as they were prior to last Sunday's big blowout. There is no need to eliminate seeing each other, nor being intimate. Why make ourselves unhappier than is really necessary? He stated, and DAMN it felt god to hear him verbalize, that he WANTS to be with me. But the circumstances simply don’t allow for it at the present time. And although I feel he is over complicating it, it is not for me to judge, only be there as his friend.

Once again, we have started over...chapter 3 continues

Friday, August 26, 2005

The faucet is (temporarily?) shut off

Today's words to smack me in the face came from Peaches "you shouldn't let him or anyone else have so much control over your feelings that it affects your health". And believe me I know she is right. The panic attacks initially began because of the stress my ex-husband used to have me under. That was back in '3. I just took that power away from him this year. I had to learn to be indifferent to what he says. Learning how to do that is very hard. I won't say I have never had a panic attack because of my Hero before, because I have; yes I have to work on the self control; it isn't nearly as easy as it may sound.

However, somehow after her saying that, I shut the faucet off. I talked to myself, repeatedly; I let myself daydream both good and bad scenarios of what he could want to talk about: he's going to be with her; he wants to marry me; they are moving back home. I let it all wander around. Why? Because then it was all out. And the only thing really left now is wanting to get it all over with. Whatever he wants to discuss, let's do it and move it. If you're going, go already, so I can hurt and move on. If not, then lets keep it moving because if I keep this indifference or even just a little of it, I can handle this friend thing and keep my emotions in check (not gone, just in check; lets be realistic here...lol) I’m glad to be feeling better than I did this morning. I don't want him or anyone having that power over me. I'm taking that back.

The longest day of my life

So when a 7:30Am IM on a Friday morning comes through that says "hit me with your free schedule we need to talk before the end of the weekend..Make sure you have an awesome day..." from the man who has you heart in a shambles, you don't anticipate having the greatest day. Coupling that with the fact that I suffer from panic attacks, making it through the day without having one was simply an impossibility. I asked him right them on IM what he wanted to talk about but he said he wanted to wait. Honestly I tried; I said I was willing to wait until tonight. That lasted about 5 minutes before my chest started to get tight; and I knew then I had to know. I jumped up (at work early today) and went to go call him. I told him I at least needed to know the topic of discussion. he said he wants to talk tome about us and some conversations he has had in the past few days. Imagine me loosing my breath as my chest grows tighter now. I told him I had to know right then, I wasn't going to be able to make it through the day. He laughed and joked about coming up to my job bringing me some Gatorade. I told him unless he was going to my house to grab a little bottle of pills there'd be no point (I really have to stop walking around without them too). He seemed to think I was over exaggerating. I really wish I was, but I wasn't. Being already on edge about the "status" of our friendship, him telling me "we need to talk" is all that’s needed to push me over. Anyway, he said it wasn't anything bad, and immediately my chest loosened up a little bit. He said he just wanted to have a discussion with me about some conversations he'd had, and that we were friends and he felt the need to share with me. Of course I was happy to hear that and I told him so. He asked if I still had time to watch another movie tonight and I told him yes. Sooooo, we'll see tonight what is up. My chest is still tight, and my whole day will now be on edge.

And to everyone who wanted to slap him...one good cyber slap for this stunt he pulled is granted.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

No logic...

Usually they at least build up in me; the tears I mean. I feel something, anything, I have enough time to calmly get to the last stall, and go ahead and let it out. But right now, I don’t' know what’s up. I suddenly feel angry, but I'm not really thinking about anything. Yeah he has like a permanent running scroll bar through my head but I wasn’t thinking about anything about him specifically. Yet, out of nowhere, I am damn near in tears...at my desk. That ain't good. I wanna say I gotta get a grip, but on what?! I'm not mad, or glad, sad; or maybe I am? Maybe I am all of them all at the same time and they are warring inside; only showing tears and smiles simultaneously on the outside. This is weird. It's close to quitting time, so I think if I can make it til then, I'll be ok? Then I'll at least have a minute in my car to cry or regroup or whatever. 285 is the perfect hiding place isn’t it?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Music makes me lose control

The one connection I can't escape, I can't hide from no matter what: music. My Hero and I are so bonded by music, I admit I am having a hard time listening to it at the moment. The upside to the garbage they play on the radio is that it is hardly lovey-dovey stuff. So I am able to get lost in the musical nothingness on the radio during the car ride, coupled with the Bert Show in the morning and the two Live Stews and Ryan Cameron in the afternoon. But at work and at home I listen to either my own music or somebody's music blog. And that's always music of subtance. So those times get kinda hard.

Like today, EJ put to gether a GREAT playlist today. And listening to it, it felt good(as if EJ's mixes don't always make you feel good), but the songs that kept jumping out and really catching my attention were the ones that were screaming "She can't do you like I do you" "She ain't me" " You should be with me". I had to shake that off, because thats not the mind set I am, or should I say "am wanting" to be in. I admit that yeah I do feel that way, but I am not going to act that way...if that makes any sense at all.

And my poor son. Yesterday after I picked him up from school, "Woman to Woman" came on the radio. Lawd, I was singing it like I wrote the song. He said " Mommy you really like that song, huh?" I figured I better tune it down just a notch after that...lol

Even Jill is kind of a struggle for me and that's my girl. She picks me up when I am down. But a few songs are kinda pulling at me. And that damn Mariah Carey, same thing. Her latest is the best thing ever, but some of them songs push me to tears. So right now, me and Common and Mos Def and the Roots are really good friends. But I know, I'll get a grip over this too; same thing happened before on a much larger scale.

Dang, this blog thing is so cool...relaxing, relating, and releasing.

Chapter 3: another beginning

I am amazed at myself. I guess maybe I am stronger than I feel. Because I'm just not all that worked up over the situation any more. I feel as it I almost instantaneously fell back in to the chill mode I was in back when I didn't really think we would end up together anyway. And I'm feeling pretty cool in this mode. I can't front, I'm still feeling a little anxious, but the true test was last night when my Hero came over and I passed with flying colors if I do say so myself.

He came over and brought the movies we had planned on watching last Friday but fell asleep on. We chilled on the couch cuddled up, talking and watching the movie. I could tell her was a little uneasy, still trying to figure out at what level I was at. But I was chill. After the movie, we went upstairs and got in the bed. And went to sleep. No sex, just sleep. That was my intention all along, but I wondered if he'd try. I haven't verbalized that I don't want to be intimate with him right now, but knowing him, he has probably sensed it. He knows me well. I don't know when or if ever we'll be intimate again. Right now, the desire just isn’t there. I can't afford to open myself up to that level with him. My love for him has not at all changed, but as long as I have to accept the possibility that we could potentially go our separate ways...I'm just not ready to try to take all that on. I'm taking it all really, really slow this time around. And what ever happens, I feel more prepared.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

When you pray for it, He gives it to you

I am not one that is afraid to cry. Crying releases emotions so that you can move past them. So if I feel the need, I will do just that. If I am at work, I will creep into the last stall and let the tears flow until I am release. Usually when I am that upset, I am praying at the same time. And most often, I don't know what to pray for other then strentgh to get through and guiance to keep me from doing anything stupid.

So as I am sitting in the last stall this morning, praying and crying, I feel the need to email by best friend; the one I said in the previous post has been through a similar situation. I got back to my desk, and let the words just flow. I told her how I envied her strnght to endure and to eventually have ended up with the man that was right for her. I told her how I felt I was bein gpunished for thinking she should have left him all those times he hurt her. I told her htat I don't feel strong enough to be without my Hero.

This was her reply:

"I am Always here, maybe a little tired, but here for you. My husband and I had to go through a lot of hurt and pain before we truly knew what we wanted. I wasn't going to put up with being treated less than the best. I figured I may as well be alone, do my own thing, raise my kids and be happy. I knew I was what he wanted from the beginning, but I had to let him come around in his own way. I strive to be the best wife that MY man can ask for. You can't make yourself the best for everyone. See, you may be the BEST person for him, but he may not be the BEST person for you. The last thing you want to do is force someone to love you or pressure them into making decisions. You keep being the best for Quest. Just know that you have a lot to offer and you're only getting better as each day passes.

Remember this song, goes something like "I just cant give up now, come to far from where i started from, nobody told me the road would be easy..." I'd sing it, but you know that's not my gift (smile).

One thing I always told my husband and my girlfriend, nobody can make you happy. Happiness comes from within. If you can't find the means to make yourself happy, you become dependent upon someone else for your happiness. People are only human and we let ourselves down daily. You've got to work on yourself before you can allow anyone else into your heart. I know this is hard to swallow, but you have to commend him for trying his best in his current situation. At least you know, he's doing all that he can, despite the outcome. You just be patient. During the patience, work on YOU. If he's worth the wait then you've not only improved yourself, but also found what was meant to be."

And that was it. Those were the words I needed to hear form the right person. Sometime the who can make a hell of a difference, although I will never understand why. And soemtimes you need to "hear" the words. She hasn't said anythign I didn't already know. But hearing them at the right time in the rigth way. She is right, and if my Hero sees me as the light then great and if not...the it wasn't meant to be and it will be his loss and I will be happy again.

Who and what fuels my waiting

Talking to my best friend Peaches last night, who finally is a little more accepting of my Hero for her won reasons, we talking about not waiting for the men we love that for various reasons aren't "available". When they became "unavailable" we decided that we weren't waiting, we would continue to date and meet other people need try to move on. Dating however grew boring for me and I stopped pursuing dating and waited to meet people instead of active looking. She however continued to actively meet and date, quite a bit. Two totally different approaches have landed us in the same place. While we may have thought we weren't waiting...being emotionally unavailable, being unable to really feel anything else for anyone else, had led us to realize that we are still in fact waiting. Sadly, neither of us knows how to not wait. Is there a magic formula to releasing the hold one has over another's heart?

I've seen so many occasions that this subconscious waiting has paid off. One of my best friends met and dated this guy who was in the midst of his divorce. He, like my Hero, took great care of her; she was number 1. Yet, when he was away from her he was wild and loose and running all around town. They were never "in a relationship" because the kept the "we aren't committed" description, yet we all know that the label on the relation really is meaningless. Over and over, she was being hurt but she stayed because she loved him and she knew he loved her. After about a year r so she's had enough and began to distance herself from him. She felt it was time to move on with out him. And as she distanced, he realized she was worth giving up all that he had been doing. There was nothing more out there. They got married and have been happily ever after for about a year now.

One of my cousins was dating his girlfriend for about 5 years. They were hardly ever in the same city at the same time. He lived in St Louis, she lived in Chicago. He lived in Portland, she lived in St Louis. He moved here, she was in Chicago. For five years they went on this way. He always dated other people; claimed he wasn't ready, she got on his verves, he couldn't see himself with her forever; but she was always number one top priority. He flew there at least once every 6 weeks or so. She was flying her about as often. He finally wised up and realized that she was the best thing for him. He married her about a month or so ago.

I know that it can and does happen. I can relate to these scenarios. Maybe I'm blindly relating myself; searching for something to cling to. But it seems logical to me.

Slightly blindsighted

No, I wasn't really prepared this time, although I know I should've been. But all the things that have been said were leading up to "us". Yet, my Hero still seems to think that he can work things out with Her. I can't be mad, because I've seen it way too many times in plenty of relationship, including my own marriage. You don't think you did all you could to make it work, so you go back once again trying towork it out. Especailly with a new baby. When I got pregnant at the point I was seriously ready to leave my husband, i stayed to make it work...and it didn't...and I lost the baby.

Naw, I can't be mad at all. Now hurt...that is another story in its entirety. I am hurt as hell. I have been under the impression that this has all been about the baby. That he simply didn't want to be without the baby, that the feelings for her were gone. But coupling a new baby with being around her all the time, I can see (logically) how feelings could begin to develop. Not fair to me at all. Honestly, he's not being fair to himself either. He's already been through enough with her, and now he's putting himself in the postion to be hurt by her again. Why, when you don't have to. I can't understand it,and thats what makes it so hard for me to live with. I usually can keep reality and feelings somewhat seperate. I don't see that being the case this time around; because until I can understand why he would chose to be with someone who has hurt him time and time again, when you have the love in a woman you want right there waiting with arms out stretched...I just don't get it. What's even worse is, I can admit that it hurts and that I know the best thing is to walk, but I don't have the strenght to do it. I can't consider going through the emotional and mental breakdown I went through when we first broke up. I just can't do it.

I know I've been told this was gonna happen, that She is probably still a factor, so the "i told you so"s are expected and accurate. I knew this could happen, I just didn't expect it. I'm praying every hour of everyday for strength and wisdom to get through to whatever is meant for me.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

How could you throw it all away

Love is so much more than a “thing” that we experience during our lives. It’s more than a mere gift. Love is a blessing from which ever higher power one believes in. It is bestowed upon us as one of the benefits of living life. And yet so many people, misuse it, mistreat it, and simply take advantage of having it.

Why, when we know that life is so short, when we know that the next day is not promised to us, do we cast love and those we love aside for ‘later’? Why do we act if is ‘later’ is guaranteed? Why do we not embrace love every moment of every day? Why is it not the driving force in our lives instead of the pursuit of money or fame? What is fame and money without love? Those things are wonderful to have achieved; we all live to accomplish something in our lives, no matter how big or small. But, why do we not make accepting, embracing and appreciating the love we have been blessed with as our number one priority.

Life throws us so many uncontrollable situations. Sicknesses, death, hardships, all of those are a part of life. With love, anything can be endured, because you have that strength of the one you love and who loves you behind you; holding your hand, leading when you feel you cannot go on, taking you through it all and to the beauty and happiness on the other side.

Why would you stay where love doesn’t exist, when there is a place that overflows with it? Why do you call your home a place where you do not receive the love that you so rightfully deserve? How can you walk out the door of where love dwells to enter a residence of resentment and heartache? No on deserves that. “It’s better for the kids”. “It makes sense economically” “Leaving is admitting failure” So many excuses, such a waste of a blessing. Love has been bestowed upon you, and you waste it, you cast it aside, you put it on the shelf for ‘later’. Circumstances are a part of life; they can all be overcome despite their occurrences being uncontrollable. You have control over your reaction to love. You choose to not have it in the capacity that is rightfully yours. Stop wasting time, stop wasting life, stop laughing in the face of the blessing you have before it is uncontrollably taken away from you.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Unexpected, unwanted reality check

It was a redeeming night, at least for myself anyway. After two days of being “sexually unavailable”, I was very much back last night. Glad that problem is solved…lol Laying in bed talking last night, somehow I ended up telling my Hero about a conversation my son and I had in the car a few days ago. Basically, my son walked in on us last October (yeah that walked in on). I assumed this had looooong ago past. But the other day, he asks me “Mommy what do you and Hero do at night?.. I couldn’t help but chuckle. I told him we watch TV. He asks “and what else?”. “We talk” “And what else?” “We watch movies” “And what else?” Now by now, my five year old has me blushing in the front seat of my car. I’m doing my hardest not to crack up laughing, feeling like he’s busted me. I said “that’s all, baby.” And he actually tells me there’s more. I said “Well ok baby, what else is there? “ and he tells me “I saw you when I was 4”(everything is when he was 4 to him…lol). At that point, I just told him that I told him everything we do, and he left it alone.

So after I relay this convo to my Hero, we start talking about my son being at an age where he’s curious and wants to know more about male female relationships and he just needs some one to talk to, and that my Hero thinks my son probably wants to talk to him about it because he sees him around so much. I believe that probably is true. However, I don’t know if he’s the right one to be talking to him about it. He asked me why and I really didn’t want to get into it. I didn’t want to have to say that because he doesn’t play that “man” role in our life that I don’t think it’s a good idea. But he kept pressing me to tell him and so I did. In not wanting to say it out loud, I thought it was because I didn’t want to maybe hurt his feelings or bring up a topic that really is obvious. What I didn’t realize is that I didn’t want to verbalize it because I myself didn’t want to face it. Once the words were out, my whole feelings, thoughts and attitude changed. What had been a happy, fun evening in bed became sad for me. It wasn’t a reality check I wanted. Usually if I feel I need one, I’ll give it to myself. Usually there is something I want to know form him and it’s one of those back to reality type things. I admit, I have slipped way back into thinking we’re going to be together. Just from conversations and songs and actions, I’ve “felt” him telling me to hold on and be strong. But last night knocked me straight back down…hard. I don’t know what I feel now besides sad. He’s always there in any capacity I need or want. Am I supposed to think about a day when it’s not going to be like that?

I pride myself now in having gotten to where I can ask him anything and everything I want to know. I guess I’m realizing there is still an exception to that. I don’t want empty promises. He can guarantee anything to me, and I know that. But I feel I may be getting to where I want to ask if this between us is going to go anywhere. Yeah fine it’s only been a year we’ve been together, but I don’t believe that time is a factor in this. We’ve both admitted to each other at different points that we know we want to be with each other forever, but that doesn’t mean we both think we’re going to make it happen. Hmmm, just phrasing it like that makes we wonder if I’m going to ask him. That not a opening to an empty promise…I don’t think…or is it. *Sigh*

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I can feel it coming

I am about to have a not-so-good moment in life. I can feel it. I've been busting my butt the past couple weeks working on a business venture, which has had me quite exhausted. At the same time, my Hero has been spending quite a bit of time with me lately. To my surprise, I have seen him five out of the past six days. And I'm loving it; however, because I have been so tired, I haven't been in the best mood. Not even so much a 'bad mood', just not mentally present. So I haven't been the best company. On top of that, it is causing me to, well...not quite be myself in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. Between being tired and distracted, it's practically taking an act of God for me to get or give much of anything.

I text him this morning with All That I Can Say by Mary J, and he text me back with Don't Waste Your Time by Mary. That freaked me out! He has never text me with a "bad" song before. He's always the happy, content one. So for him to send that...I got hella scared. Not that he was gonan leave or anything like that. But I just knew at that point that my fears we in fact true and he had noticed how 'distant; I have been lately. I started to call him so we could talk, but I figured I could relay better with another song. So after considering Don't Leave Me by Intro and It's Gonna Rain by Kelly Price, I realized another Mary song, You Gotta Believe was the best one. I'm not used to being the 'hurter', I'm usually the 'hurtee'. It sucks no matter which one I am.

On top of all that, my money is jacked up. I'd been holding out, robbing Peter to pay Paul until my school refund check comes in a few weeks, and lo and behold, I find that I am getting $1000 less per semester this year. Damn, what do you have to do to get money for school around here...sigh Yes I know technically the money isn't being used for school, but hell living expenses are a part of school life...kinda.

I'ma get some rest this weekend...and some B12. I'ma put in some QT with my Hero and my son. And get some work done too. And mixed in, I'ma pray for Him to take care of everything I can't myself.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Oooppss...didn't mean to stay away...

It's been a lttle hectic around here...thankfully all good things. I've missed blogging, and keeping up with everyone. I'm back and I'll update whats been up ove rthe past few weeks in the next few posts. Here's the notice..they are backdated:-)

Monday, August 08, 2005

Didn't expect to see the day

My Hero and I actually made it a whole year. I still can't believe it. So a year may not seem like all that much time, but for me it is. And for all we've been through, it is.

A year ago we met at a happy hour spot through a mutual friend. She'd told me a little about him; he seemed rather "safe", so I gave him my number. When he asked me(excuse me...told me) we were going out the next weekend, I was excited. Each conversation made me want to know more and more about him. One date turned in to two. Those turned into home visits, and soon we were spending quite a bit of time together. I allowed him around various family members which normally is a major "no-no" for guys I am dating. It wasn't long before I could see the potential for something very serious between us. I admit my heart was swept up.

And here we are a year later. Still kicking it, after having pushed each other away, pulled each other back, grown to love each other in a way neither of us was sure was ever possible again, despite some seriously hard times.

With us being "together but not", I actually had no intentions on making a big deal out of the day. I knew it was coming, I planned to acknowledge it, and felt a poetic piece brewing from my feelings about it, but I had honestly planned for it to pretty much be another day. If we were together in a nice "normal" relationship, that would've been different. But I am still trying (and failing) at keeping some semblance of control over my feelings, so no big fanfare was in the works. I was surprised when he brought it up the day before. I had plans to go out with my best friend, Peaches, the night before; he was going to pick me up from her house and go to my house after she and I went out. He and I ended up missing each other however. To both hers and my surprised, we awoke to find cards left for us the next morning: hers for graduation and mine for our anniversary. I thought it was so very sweet. The night of our anniversary Peaches was having a party so he and I weren't going to be together. He came over after I got home and we celebrated.

He and I talked about where we'd been, what we liked, and didn't like. We didn't talk about the future. We both are content to be in the right now, and see what the future holds. In some of the questions I have asked him about various things regarding Her; I feel that our future could be a bright one. To see another year with him would make me happy:-)

Monday, August 01, 2005

Why 5 men dont equal to 1

Some how, some way, my Hero managed to come through, above and beyond 5 other men’s attempts to help me with my car. A man who just had a baby, was able to not just have the time, but the competence to at least get to the bottom of the problem and take me to the other side of the city, an hour away and back without hesitation.

My battery died Saturday as I was on my way to the wedding. He’d come by to take my picture before I left. He ended up taking me up to the wedding and I got a ride back. Damn the wedding was so beautiful; I really wished he could’ve been there to share it with me. I thought about him the whole time as I watched how happy my cousin and his new bride are.

He and I both thought the problem was as simple the battery needing a jump. Sunday, I called up a friend of mine, CT, and left him a message to see if he could jump me. Then another friend, Moe, hit me online and said he’d come through. Moe came first and tried to jump me, to realize 40 minutes later that his cables didn’t work. In the meantime, Ct called me back, and I returned his call to have him come by. He jumped me and I made it to an auto store to have the alternator tested. Well since the battery wouldn’t charge they couldn’t test the alternator. In the meantime, my Hero has asked me to keep him abreast of the situation. When the auto shop realized they couldn’t replace the battery because of the difficulty, I called Moe to pick me up and bring me back home. My Hero and I decided to let our mechanic friend replace it; only he was unavailable, so my Hero decided to at least try. He came to pick me up around 7 in the evening after he dropped his cousin’s off at a concert. We spent the next hour and a half trying to get the battery out, to no avail. During that time, I tried to reach three other friends, J, the foot dude, and AD. More important to me than the car, was going to pick up my son from his father’s house because I had promised him I’d get him Sunday night. The car was really second priority to me. J and AD never returned my calls, and the foot dude was actually going to come but he got stuck at work. By 8:30, my Hero and I had done all we could, and he rigged the car to manage get it back home. He took me to go pick up my son, and bring us back home. It was 10:30 by the time we got back.

It amazes me that five men combined could not get done what one man was able to. And it’s always been like this. I had a problem before and multiple people couldn’t come through and do what my Hero ended up doing, despite other obligations. And I know that has my expectations in a mate sky high. But they always have been; he’s just been the one that has been able to meet them.

We had a long time to talk on the ride to pick up my son and back. It gave me time to get the answers I’d been looking for. She wasn’t induced thankfully; she just had some medicated help with her contractions. Lil Hero is indeed his; he had him blood tested, and I am oh so happy of that. I was quite thankful to find out that the house that is being bought is solely his; that they aren’t remotely trying to work things out; and the reason he was able to be around so much this weekend for me is because Her mom is here helping with Lil Hero. The situation is interesting to me. I’m not mad, sad, or disgruntled or anything of the sort. I’m feeling more and more strength to ride this out some more.