Friday, September 23, 2005

Weakest Link

So here what pisses me off. Between the asshole of an ex-husband and a job that fails to pay sufficiently, I haven’t been stable in over a year now, which lapses into the time that my hero and I have been together. And in him playing the role he chose for himself early on, he helps me out when I need. And I an eternally grateful for it. I work hard, I am busting my ass to find a new, better, higher paying job. I am college educated, and smarter than the average ( not by my own words). So that struggle alone tears at me all the time. Him providing for me, no matter how small or large always eats at my pride. Yet, She sits up in his house all day. She too is college educated and of an age where I would think she’d be mature enough to bee looking for a job. The six week after baby period has come and gone. And yet my Hero is having to make her go out and look for employment. What kinda crap is that? How can you just live off someone that doesn’t want to be with you? It’s obvious that she’s working off the idea that the longer she doesn’t work the longer she’ll have him. And she’s right, because without him she is homeless, and of course being the mother of his child he is not going to just put her out. And I wouldn’t expect him to. It’s just disgusting to me that a grown ass woman would stoop to that level to keep a hold of something that isn’t there. And what makes it even harder for me is that he basically has to support the both of us; not nearly as much for me as for her, but it’s still double duty for him. And makes me feel that much guiltier about it. I know playing the ‘shoulda/coulda/woulda’ game doesn’t change anything but I know if we both could go back, there would be some things that we wouldn’t have done. We’d be in quite different places right now.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Girl Crush

Ever since I have accepted my sexuality, I have developed on crush on a girl at every new job I have started. The last job I held here in Atl before I moved away, I developed a crush on C. C embodied everything in a woman that I was attracted to. She was pretty, but didn’t flaunt herself; she was stylish in her own low key way. In fact her style, personality, everything about her was low key. She wasn’t into clubs, she liked ot stay home and just chill or go to the movies, or the park, stuff like that. At the time, I was still married. And I felt guilty for having a crush on her. Because I really, really liked her. And for a minute it didn’t feel like it was going to go away like it usually does after a couple weeks. My crush on C lasted a few months. But it did eventually go away, and I was able to be “just friends” with her. And she became a very good friend of mine. AS I went through my separation and impending divorce, she was someone to lean on when I just needed to talk. And then I moved away. When I came back, I spoke with her once, and then she dropped off the face of the Earth. At least to me she did. She left the company we used to work for, I heard from an old coworker, and her cell was disconnected. She was lost to me.

Yesterday, I saw her logged on to IM, and I spoke on the off chance she might really eb there. I’d seen her name light up occasionally before and spoken but never got any response. After about an hour, I quit expecting her little box to flash and I closed the window. About an hour or so later, I got “Who is this?” Before the excitement hit, I responded “Q4L”. it could’ve been anyone asking who it was. The “Heyyyy Girl!!” was my Go sign to do my happy dance. I finally got my C back. She was busy at work so we only chatted for a second. Today she hit me up though, not long after I got in to work. I was so happy to have found her and to catch up with her. The weird thing (or I guess not so weird, but more unexpected) was that my feelings for her were back. Not as drastic as before, but I found myself hoping that she and her long time girlfriend has split. She is the only woman that I have ever met that I could see myself in an actual relationship with. However, her relationship is thriving and I am glad (sorta…lol). It amazed be though. I had no idea finding her again would turn those feelings back on. I found myself anticipating her responses in the same way I anticipate those from my Hero when we chat on IM. I am glad to have my friend back, and just as they did before, the feelings will pass. It’s worth it to have a true friend.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Good morning my love

What a better way to wake up in the morning then to a bouquet of flowers sitting at the bottom of your stairs where you are guaranteed to not miss them? Coupled with the sweetest “I miss you” card created.

My mom is coming in to town so of course I’ll be busy with her and won’t have much time to spend with my Hero. He came over Monday to spend a little time and last night I text him that if he had a little time to squeeze in some QT he was more than welcome to come on by. He called me no too long after that to tell me he was on his way to work so he’d knew he wouldn’t get by the house. I understood, especially with him starting a new job this past Monday. We talked about a little rendezvous for Friday night after an event we both plan to attend but not together. I really love this “secret” love affair thing…lol. After settling that, I worked on some homework and went to bed. So imagine my surprise when I awoke to flowers at the bottom of my stairs! You would think we were about to not see each other for an entire month instead of just four days.

I hate that I have to “keep him away” from the house while mu moms is here. I remember the last two times she was here, they were so cool. But since he first broke up with me back in January, she can’t stand him. To her, he hurt her baby. And after the devastation of my marriage, she is not at all forgiving of anyone else hurting me. I hate that she doesn’t see past that, and see how I am happy. But I can’t force her, nor would I try to. I am happy; she just has to live with my decisions.

This is gonna be a great weekend. I’ll have plenty of time to miss him. And yet, our little Friday night rendezvous will be right on time.

Sunday, September 11, 2005


I was supposed to have a date with J on Friday. He wanted to take me out as a part of his plan to play backup to my Hero. Those plans got cancelled when his childcare fell through at the last minute. So of course I ended up going out with my Hero. I already had a babysitter in place, I didn't want to waste it. Just amusing that the night I planned to tell my Hero about CT, that CT just happened to be my sitter. He sometimes has my son spend the night when he has his kids for the weekend.

We hit up this club I had been hearing about for years and had never made it to. Something about a club under the ground gives it an interesting appeal. Not the "upscale" type I usually do. I liked it. Nice to have a change of pace. On the way there I told him that his intuition had been right about be sleeping with CT. I didn't go into details but I told him when, and how, and most importantly(at least to me) why I lied. As I expected, he completly understood. He said he'd always known and was pretty sure he knew why I lied about it. The conversation drifted off from there to the chain this had become: he and I, and CT and the other chick. It's amusing to us both; the entire chain of events is just plain amusing.

I told my Hero that the conversation was to remain between the two of us and of course he agreed. I have no doubt that it will. CT claims that my Hero has such a big mouth; he has no idea. There's plenty of stuff he could talk about if he wanted to, but he choses not to. He's not a malicious person just randomly spreading people's business. And he's so much like myself extroverted in appearance but introverted at second glance. Most people just don't take that second glance at him. I'm glad I did.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Even the "right" thing comes with drama

I told CT today that I intent to tell my Hero about our tryst. He reacted about as I expected. He doesn't see "why I should bother?" My Hero would be "better off not knowing". "It's gonna get out because my Hero has a big mouth". I addressed each of his concerns. Why should I bother; because I am not comfortable the lies that I have told. I did what I did. I had no obligations to my Hero then, nor do I now. He asked, so I am telling; and should have when he first asked. As far as him being better off not knowing, if he asked me about it then I know he is prepared to hear the answer. That is one solid thing between us; if we don't want the answer to something we don't ask it.

The concern about my Hero having a big mouth is amusing to me though. CT and my Hero have history. CT used to be involved with the chick that my Hero later got involved with. No big deal, men do that kinda thing and the two of them aren't "friends" anyway, just associates. But my Hero let me in on how it went down...turns out CT hooked the two of them up, to get her out of his hair once he became serious with his girlfriend. So, that plus a few other tidbids of info, lowered CT's credibility when it comes to my Hero. He's never wanted me involved with him anyway. So, I don't quite believe when he tells me "something he's heard". One thing I feel confidant in is that when I confront my Hero about something, i get the truth, and anything I've asked him about has been discounted in some way. Anyway I've digressed. I got it in my head that this would make for prime opportunity to see if this "big mouth" theory is true.

I know my Hero is gonna want to ask CT about it once I tell him because he just asked CT about it last week and he told him no. So yes I am gonna confess to my Hero. And I am gonna tell CT I have chose to not tell him. Although his current girlfriend was not then at the time, I'm going to go under the guise that I don’t want it to get back to her. I am confidant that if I tell my Hero not to say anything, that he wont. So even though I am proving the point to myself, I am proving it to CT too.

All I want to do is the right thing by ME, whom is most important. This here is exactly why I DON'T LIE. Had I just told him when he initially asked me, I wouldn’t be going through all this silliness.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Lying is not for everyone

When it comes to lying, my ability to be good at it is directly correlated to how close I am to the person whom I am lying to. To my employer, I can easily lie to call in sick or why I am late. To a friend whose call I didn’t answer, I can lie and say I was busy. To Peaches: HA! I can't hold water, unless its anything related to my Hero because of their "relationship". Same for my mom and same for my Hero. The more I love and respect you, the less I am able to lie to you.

After the Braves game this past Sunday, My hero and I were sitting around talking about various people being interested in us and the rumors about us individually and as a "couple". I asked him about a chick I'd heard about; he asked me about a guy. His “rumor” was semi-accurate. The check had taken him out, but there was never anything remotely sexual. He asked me about CT. CT and I had always agreed that we'd never tell anyone about that night. So besides Peaches (I told you I can't hold water around her), NO ONE knows about it. I was somewhat shocked when my Hero asked about it but I told him “of course not”. CT and my Hero are associates, so my Hero knows that CT has always had a "thing" for me. I honestly had no reason to lie about it, besides CT and I agreeing not to tell anyone. But not telling my Hero gave me a strange sense of power. For all the things I have doubted coming out of his mouth, for once, I knew something that he didn't. And even better, I knew he didn't believe me, and I was relishing it.

Today, my Hero asked me again about it. We were having another one of our many, now common "question sessions": one of us will ask the other a question, then the other asks a question, and it just snowballs from there. He asked me first had I ever lied to him. I told him yes. I asked the same and got the same yes. He admitted that lies by omission were still lies. Then we broke it down; had we lied to each other in the last two weeks. He said no, I said yes. "About what?" he asked. ***Here is why I don't lie; it snowballs into a bunch of lies.*** "I don't quite remember; it was either about where I was or who I was with" I said. What the hell kinda vague answer was that! I suck at But still I stuck to it. I asked him why he was so certain that I was lying about sleeping with CT; he said he just felt it. I can't argue with that, I follow those same instinctive feelings myself. I asked him when he thought this happened since he was so sure of it. I fully expected him to name the night it really happened, because he was supposed to have picked me up from CT's that night. I rode to the party with him and my Hero was gonna pick me up afterwards. When he called, I didn't answer though. Talk about feeling guilty in the morning. Anyway, my Hero named another time. I told him I was surprised he didn't say when I was expecting. He said that would've been too obvious, and that's not what he "felt". I ended it with a sound "Ct and I have not been together" and moved on.

As I was driving to pick up my son, I got to thinking about one day telling my Hero the truth about it. Thinking about my reason for lying made me realize: I want to tell him the truth right now instead of “some day”. My lying about it simply because I wanted to hold onto something I knew to be true that he doesn’t know about for sure feels wrong. I don’t feel good about holding out, even if it makes me feel "better". I don't know; I can't really describe it, but I just feel wrong. The next time he comes over, I am going to tell him the truth and tell him why I lied. I don't expect he's going to be mad. I know it's not going to change anything especially since we weren’t "together" at that point in time. And we are simply beyond things like that. The physical is just not as important as our love as a whole. But it'll make me feel better about myself to share it with him, especially when there's no reason for the lie.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Whispered in my ear

It was two nights ago, I took myself down memory lane reading #48’s old letters. And over the past two days I have been thinking over the evolution of our relationship; where he was, where I was, what we went through and where we ended up. I’ve been thinking about all the ‘what ifs’; most importantly “what if I had waited?”, “what if he had waited?” Had we both waited for each other, it’s a great possibility we’d be together now. But I met my ex-husband, and he got back with his daughter’s mother. And one I left my ex, he was then with his current girlfriend. The timing was always off. But who knows what could have been. We were both impatient.

I’ve even been thinking about how impatient I was with Cole. We were young, and I didn’t recognize at the time what I was giving up. Of course I would’ve never learned to appreciate more, had I not left, but still in the same, I was impatient with him too. I had out grown him emotionally, and I promptly kicked him out. Had I let us grow back together. He and I too might (although less likely) be together.

Not that I haven’t always known I am impatient, but I admit now: I am impatient with love. I want it ALL right NOW! And who knows what I lose out on, by being impatient and just letting love and life play itself out and seeing what comes of it, instead of forcing things to happen. I don’t want to make that same mistake this time around. I wasn’t perfect in the past. I can’t expect anyone else to be.

In reading back over the few moths of time those letters covered, I realize how jaded I have become in relation to love and relationships. The pain has faded but the scars of my past have never faded. I remembered, in reading, the simplicity of love, of just hearing words and knowing the truth in the meaning behind them. I used to just “know” and not question it. When I reread those words, I don’t doubt them now, just as I didn’t then. It’s not so much the same anymore in newer relationship. Now I question everything. Why? Because I have been used and stepped on and lied to so much, I don’t quite know how to let that go. No matter how sweet the “nothings” are he whispers in my ear, a mall part of me still doubts my Hero’s’ motives. And not just him. I questioned AD. And I question J. And people I don’t really know; HA! They have no chance in hell. The minute they show any interest, I block it all out. I want to go back to the “simple thoughts”; when I just knew. I wonder if that’s completely possible.

Oh well I think I have digressed. I have found my “reason” to wait patiently, as if I really needed one. I already feel that it is the “right” thing to do for now. I don’t want to miss out on my chance…on our chance at happiness. Maybe I am looking for ways to justify myself. But it works for me for now. And so I choose to listen to the little angel of patience whispering in my ear “like bam bam bam bam”

Silly amusing moments

Some people are just plain mean. I mean that deep down no matter what the situation is always mean. My boyfriend from high school, Cole's mama is like that. I used to think it was just cause she didn’t like me. She used to always catch us almost int e act, so i could understand that. But I was with him for four years; you'd think she'd have eventually gotten over it. But turns out she's always been that way. My moms grew up with her and she was mean then too. So I stopped taking it personal.

After we broke up, I occasionally tried to reach him a few times, with her number being the only consistent one I have ever had for him. She's still evil every time I have tried. So I quit. It wasn't worth the headache, when I really just wanted to know how he was doing. I had been worried about him because he was still in the military last I had heard.

Our tenth year high school reunion is next summer and the committee is unable to reach him. Last I heard he was in California. Anyway, I have taken it upon myself to call his mama's house to try and get a lead on him, since I still have the number. Since I can't be myself, I am having to pose as one of the committee members. Don't ask me why I am so amused by this little lie I am calling with to try and reach him with. But I left a message today on her answering machine; I'll wait a week or so and see if I get any response. If not, I'll probably call again. I'm amused at getting what I want without her knowing about

Monday, September 05, 2005

Past and present love...

One thing I can never say is I have never been loved. My first serious boyfriend and I were together since the tenth grade. He loved me hard. I knew it even when we broke up(finally) after 4 and a half years of mostly on, though sometimes off. I left because he didn't "show me" how much he loved me, although my heart knew he did. I was so young then, only 19, but I'm still that same way today. I need to "see" that you love me. Not extravagant gifts; but the little cards my Hero leaves at my door...I "see" that.

I was looking for some pictures and came across my box of letters from #48, my best friend from college. We are best friends now, but we were passionately in love for years. We met 3 days before I moved back home from college and we knew it was love from day one. I left and tried to go back another semester just to be with him. But fate didn't allow for that one. I spent a week with him while I tried to get back into school and it was one of the best, one of the "free-ist" moments in my life. As I read the letters, I could remember each moment that he was talking about. More importantly, I remember how hard it was for us to love each other so deeply and be away from each other. I must have something for falling for men who have some kind of tie to someone else. Although, it went both ways in this case. He was still tied to his daughter’s mother and was unsure of how to be without her and still have his daughter in his life. I was still my boyfriend from high school, and honestly didn't know I was missing "something" in my relationship, really in my life until the day I met #48. it was instantaneous. Our love ran DEEP, and it carried on through the end of that relationship, into my marriage and birth of my son; through the rise and fall of his relationship with his daughters mother and into his current relationship of about 5 years now. We always held fast that if it was meant for us to be together, it would happen one day. Maybe a year from when we last saw each other maybe 20, but if it was meant, it would happen. Man, as the years went by, I think it had to have been about six, I finally was able to get over the "I want to be with you' feelings and move into just a friendship. And some days I still wonder. He has settled in to that same place about as recently as I have, although every now an then we fall in to a "what if" moment. He loves me now, as I do him; we have just evolved.

Reading his letters though reminded me that I have always been a very passionate lover. My love, when I give it, runs very strongly. So it’s no surprise to me how much I love my Hero. When I love, that’s just the way it is. It took years for my love for #48 to change; I wouldn’t expect that to be any different with my Hero regardless of what happens. Yes I hope that this time is meant to be. Had it not been for the insurmountable distance between #48 and I, it’s highly likely we’d be married now. But fate didn’t deal it that way. This could be “it”. But in reading, I recognize that if this is “it”; I could get over it, and even love again.

Slowly stepping up the game???

My Hero is reaching and I don't know if I should be amused or flattered to just see it as male envy. Someone has gotten in his ear that they are "after me". He's been asking me questions for days and I can't help but find it cute. I have to wonder if J hasn't IM'ed him. I don't know if he knows my Hero’s exact Yahoo ID, but he could've asked around for it. And I wouldn't put it past him. He's ridiculously protective of me, and being that he's serious about his proposition, there’s no

Anyway, yesterday my Hero took me and my son to the Braves game. Part of this was planned. He and I were originally supposed to go; he'd already bought tickets. He wanted to take me because I've never been to a sporting event before, and he claims he's trying to "keep on top of" the other mystery guy. However, I didn't have a sitter, so I had just planned for us not to go. He decided however, to buy my son a ticket too so we'd all go. I was impressed. I really had just assumed we'd not go, for him to buy a ticket showed me he really wanted to take me. We all had a great time. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would, and watching my son slowly get into it was priceless. I have to take him back again.

It was a great afternoon. I couldn't help but wish briefly that it could always be that way that it just should be that way, but I discounted it just as soon as it flew into my head. We had a great time, that’s all that mattered. I'm working on living for the joy of the day and not so much looking outward in to the distance

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Of a flirtatious nature

The guy that sits next to me at work is really a sweetie pie. He looks out for the females that sit in our area, he’s cool with all the guys, really laid back, quiet but not, if that makes sense. But before he came to sit over in my area, I didn’t think that way of him. From the outside looking in, he has this playboy image. He’s got that “pretty boy” style,
there are always a lot of females always around him, and he has this aire about him that radiates overconfidence. So I never really spoke to him, not even in passing, prior to his arrival to our area. Even after he first sat next to me, I really didn’t talk to him much; didn’t want him to even develop an interest in me. Then occasionally he’d offer to buy m lunch. And of course I let him…no sense in passing up a free lunch…lol But I always looked at it as him trying to get me to warm up to him. And in retrospect, he was, but not the way I assumed he was. Of time we have slowly gotten to know each other. He’s been sitting over my way now for about six months or so. And I’ve come to realize that I made assumptions about him based on his “image” and not who he is. I took the rumors about him more to heart than I would have had I known him. And most of all, I realized that he is a whole lot like my Hero. His outside image is merely people’s perception of him; once you get to know him, he’s a totally different person.

The guy, H2, is married. You would never know that from the outside. He is a flirt, but if you pay attention, there’s never anything behind it. It’s not what most people consider flirting, you know the equivalent of hitting on someone; he’s a natural flirt. Because I am one too, it didn’t take me too long to pick up on that. Over time, listening to how he refers to his wife, when he does, you can tell that no matter how much he flirts, or treats the girls to lunch, or interacts in anyway with other women, you can tell his wife is number one. That fact slapped me in the face this morning, and I realized the comparison between he and my Hero, and I realized he would be a good person to give me a little insight to how or why they are able to be so flirty, so “ladies man-ish” but still have their woman in the number one spot. His explanation basically stated that flirting is a way to open up the lines of communication, to break the tension that exists between men and women. He said he always takes his wife’s feelings in to consideration, and he does other things to ensure that she feels and therefore knows that she is the only one for him. That most certainly hit home for me. I’ve never really minded that my hero is a flirt. How can I when I am too? But because of outsiders looking in, the things that have and still do come back to me, at times I will admit, I have been insecure. In addition, I don’t think my hero completely understands that flirting is sometimes misinterpreted by women that have an interest in him. We had an incident not too long ago where he asked a female friend of his to do him a favor which could have been interpreted as nothing by a “true friend’. But this so called friend is well known to have a serious thing for him. And because of what he asked her to do…well it cause a lot of drama. I pride myself in being dram free, so when this chick brought it to me; I handled it very ladylike to her face, but when I had a moment, it shook me up because I felt as if I had made a scene although I was reassured by close friends that there was no scene. My point being, he didn’t realize until I broke it down for him how the situation got to be the way it did. Thankfully I am not some “hood chick” or else me and ole girl woulda been out there fighting. Not over him, but over her attempt to disrespect me (Aight, don’t look at me like that…I did grow up on the hood; I just know how to act in public

H2 also said that he has in the past introduced his wife to his female friends, just to let her see and feel for herself that they are in fact just friends. He said he doesn’t often because he doesn’t want that to be an expectation but she is able to see the friendship for herself. My hero has done this on occasion. He would talk about his friends and I would always wonder how “friends” they are. But I have met a few and I knew that his words were true. I wouldn’t ask him to introduce me to reassure me. For one: that that would make me appear insecure, which I am not. I have insecure moments; but I think that is natural in any relationship. For two: I don’t feel that our relationship is in a place where he needs to go out of his way to reassure me. If we were getting to a place where we were talking about getting married and I didn’t feel so comfortable then, I would talk with him about it then. I still wouldn’t ask outright but I’d hope at that time he’d make some kind of offer. For now, I am satisfied. Because our lines of communication are so open, when I do have a problem, I address it with him right away.

Our conversation gave me a lot of insight on the flirtatious ways of the world. It gave me insight no people’s perception not only of other’s but of myself as well. You just don’t know a person until you get to know them.