Thursday, September 08, 2005

Lying is not for everyone


When it comes to lying, my ability to be good at it is directly correlated to how close I am to the person whom I am lying to. To my employer, I can easily lie to call in sick or why I am late. To a friend whose call I didn’t answer, I can lie and say I was busy. To Peaches: HA! I can't hold water, unless its anything related to my Hero because of their "relationship". Same for my mom and same for my Hero. The more I love and respect you, the less I am able to lie to you.

After the Braves game this past Sunday, My hero and I were sitting around talking about various people being interested in us and the rumors about us individually and as a "couple". I asked him about a chick I'd heard about; he asked me about a guy. His “rumor” was semi-accurate. The check had taken him out, but there was never anything remotely sexual. He asked me about CT. CT and I had always agreed that we'd never tell anyone about that night. So besides Peaches (I told you I can't hold water around her), NO ONE knows about it. I was somewhat shocked when my Hero asked about it but I told him “of course not”. CT and my Hero are associates, so my Hero knows that CT has always had a "thing" for me. I honestly had no reason to lie about it, besides CT and I agreeing not to tell anyone. But not telling my Hero gave me a strange sense of power. For all the things I have doubted coming out of his mouth, for once, I knew something that he didn't. And even better, I knew he didn't believe me, and I was relishing it.

Today, my Hero asked me again about it. We were having another one of our many, now common "question sessions": one of us will ask the other a question, then the other asks a question, and it just snowballs from there. He asked me first had I ever lied to him. I told him yes. I asked the same and got the same yes. He admitted that lies by omission were still lies. Then we broke it down; had we lied to each other in the last two weeks. He said no, I said yes. "About what?" he asked. ***Here is why I don't lie; it snowballs into a bunch of lies.*** "I don't quite remember; it was either about where I was or who I was with" I said. What the hell kinda vague answer was that! I suck at lying...lol. But still I stuck to it. I asked him why he was so certain that I was lying about sleeping with CT; he said he just felt it. I can't argue with that, I follow those same instinctive feelings myself. I asked him when he thought this happened since he was so sure of it. I fully expected him to name the night it really happened, because he was supposed to have picked me up from CT's that night. I rode to the party with him and my Hero was gonna pick me up afterwards. When he called, I didn't answer though. Talk about feeling guilty in the morning. Anyway, my Hero named another time. I told him I was surprised he didn't say when I was expecting. He said that would've been too obvious, and that's not what he "felt". I ended it with a sound "Ct and I have not been together" and moved on.

As I was driving to pick up my son, I got to thinking about one day telling my Hero the truth about it. Thinking about my reason for lying made me realize: I want to tell him the truth right now instead of “some day”. My lying about it simply because I wanted to hold onto something I knew to be true that he doesn’t know about for sure feels wrong. I don’t feel good about holding out, even if it makes me feel "better". I don't know; I can't really describe it, but I just feel wrong. The next time he comes over, I am going to tell him the truth and tell him why I lied. I don't expect he's going to be mad. I know it's not going to change anything especially since we weren’t "together" at that point in time. And we are simply beyond things like that. The physical is just not as important as our love as a whole. But it'll make me feel better about myself to share it with him, especially when there's no reason for the lie.


1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a brother telling a sister don't tell. Men really don't want to know who you (women in general) slept with, they want to think that they are the first and the only.

1:17 PM  

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