Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Whispered in my ear

It was two nights ago, I took myself down memory lane reading #48’s old letters. And over the past two days I have been thinking over the evolution of our relationship; where he was, where I was, what we went through and where we ended up. I’ve been thinking about all the ‘what ifs’; most importantly “what if I had waited?”, “what if he had waited?” Had we both waited for each other, it’s a great possibility we’d be together now. But I met my ex-husband, and he got back with his daughter’s mother. And one I left my ex, he was then with his current girlfriend. The timing was always off. But who knows what could have been. We were both impatient.

I’ve even been thinking about how impatient I was with Cole. We were young, and I didn’t recognize at the time what I was giving up. Of course I would’ve never learned to appreciate more, had I not left, but still in the same, I was impatient with him too. I had out grown him emotionally, and I promptly kicked him out. Had I let us grow back together. He and I too might (although less likely) be together.

Not that I haven’t always known I am impatient, but I admit now: I am impatient with love. I want it ALL right NOW! And who knows what I lose out on, by being impatient and just letting love and life play itself out and seeing what comes of it, instead of forcing things to happen. I don’t want to make that same mistake this time around. I wasn’t perfect in the past. I can’t expect anyone else to be.

In reading back over the few moths of time those letters covered, I realize how jaded I have become in relation to love and relationships. The pain has faded but the scars of my past have never faded. I remembered, in reading, the simplicity of love, of just hearing words and knowing the truth in the meaning behind them. I used to just “know” and not question it. When I reread those words, I don’t doubt them now, just as I didn’t then. It’s not so much the same anymore in newer relationship. Now I question everything. Why? Because I have been used and stepped on and lied to so much, I don’t quite know how to let that go. No matter how sweet the “nothings” are he whispers in my ear, a mall part of me still doubts my Hero’s’ motives. And not just him. I questioned AD. And I question J. And people I don’t really know; HA! They have no chance in hell. The minute they show any interest, I block it all out. I want to go back to the “simple thoughts”; when I just knew. I wonder if that’s completely possible.

Oh well I think I have digressed. I have found my “reason” to wait patiently, as if I really needed one. I already feel that it is the “right” thing to do for now. I don’t want to miss out on my chance…on our chance at happiness. Maybe I am looking for ways to justify myself. But it works for me for now. And so I choose to listen to the little angel of patience whispering in my ear “like bam bam bam bam”


Blogger Bullet Proof Diva said...

You know, I was just thinking (after another let down) how I have recently found myself STRUGGLING not to become jaded. It truly was something I had to COMBAT. IT happens, but we always have the power within us to get throught it. A lot of times, we are more upset with ourselves than the actual "perceived" person that makes us jaded.

But, in your quest for love, you just hold onto what you want and desire, and remember the reason you are in it...It's your reason, it's personal, it's private, and it's your choice. As long as you are happy with where you are and where you stand, nobody else needs to understand it. At the end of the day, we all want LOVE and we want it how we want, when we want, and the way we want. Frankly, that ain't how the shit works, sometimes you have to find your reason, focus on it, and hold on to what you want. No regrets, whatsoever.

I love your writing, it always makes me think, and it takes me to a less guarded place, in a way my mentality about "love and happiness" always comes into question when I read you. I kinda like it!

10:36 PM  

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