Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Breach


I wondered if it would happen and I think it has. I can't be sure, but I'm being cautious. My place of refuge and solice here has been compromised and because my intentions here are to anonymously blog freely, I'm being forced to relocate. Which really isn't all that big a deal since I'd intened to in the next few weeks anyway, I'm just moving up my timetable. So if you want to know where I am, email me and ask for my new address.

Yours truely,
Q4L
quest4love@gmail.com

***Addendum 8/06 - hell She lurked on my new home for months after I moved, no reason to hide anymore New Home

Monday, October 10, 2005

A blessing and a curse


Fortunately I am not homeless, and it looks like I wont be next month either. As much as I tried to keep my problems to myself, I broke down and talked to my Hero about it. The biggest reason I didn’t want to is because I KNEW he’d fix it. And I didn’t want that. He has enough stuff on his own plate. But as I am blessed with his friendship, it is a curse that I cannot keep something like that from him. He came up with enough to take care of some things, coupled with me talking with my landlord to make arrangements with them for the month. So I haven’t yet gotten back to a great place, but I am at least managing for now.

I can’t lie; my faith is very still unstable. I have read and thought long and hard about the prayers and comments left here for me. Thank you all for your well wishes, they do mean a lot to me. I have struggled for so so long now, it’s hard to hold on to it. And at this moment in life, I don’t feel it. I can look back and see where He has led me, at times when no one else understood where He was directing me except me. I am not blind to those things, but I am unable to draw strength from those things right now. I just don’t feel anything. I have prayed, but I didn’t have any meaning behind it. I know you can say “If You are real, then show me a sign” I know that it doesn’t work like that. But I do not see Him in my life right now, and it’s one of the biggest tests of my faith ever. And I don’t know what the end result will be.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Faith and hope isn't enough to save this one


There have been times throughout my life that if it were not for my son, I would be here writing this today. Not just because I have him, but because there is no one else I can entrust to raise him if I were not here. This moment is life is one of those moments. It would be so much easier to just no longer exist. People who know me, their lives would go on, they could survive. Only because I know my son would not have anyone to raise him in a way I would be accepting of am I still breathing.

I’m facing some very difficult times right now that’s forcing me to make some difficult choices. The school check I was supposed to get, I did not. They "reworked" my financial aid, and it left me owing instead of getting a refund. The money was designated to catch me up on my bills, finally, and get on track finally. I am now so far behind that I am more than likely going to have to give up my apartment. I simply can’t continue to pay the bills anymore, as far behind as I am.

Of course, I have the option of doing "other" things to make some money. I won't elaborate on the "other" options, but none of it is good to me or for me. Some people can do "that stuff" and not feel guilty or not feel judged or not develop insecuries. I'm not one of those people. I've done "other" thing in my past; off and on for the past almost 10 years. Mentally, I just don't think I can handle it anymore. The money is phenominal if you work it right, and over time, I can say in the right market, I can work in right. But not here in Atlanta; it's not all that safe here and I have too much at stake. Being locked up, I might as well not be breathing because it would still come down to my son being with any number of people that I DO NOT approve of.

I don't know where this leaves me. No one knows exactly how severe the problem is. Peaches knows I'm having trouble. My Hero have a little more insight into because he has pretty much taken over a bill. Neither knows I am about to lose my house. I can't be angry at him. As much as I wish that he and I were living together as we were supposed to before She got pregnant, it's not his responsibilty to take care of me or my son. I blame my son's father however for not contributing shit. But at this point, none of it matters. I already feel homeless. I know I shouldn't because Peaches would take me in if I gave up my apartment. And my Hero would put me somewhere if it came down to it. But I don't want anything from anyone. I almost want to suffer on my own. And if it was just me, I'd work it out. But I can't leave this area because of my son's school. He's in a program that I intend for him to stay in.

Sigh...my faith is not getting me where I need to be. A person can only struggle for so long before that faith begin to wane.