Monday, October 10, 2005

A blessing and a curse

Fortunately I am not homeless, and it looks like I wont be next month either. As much as I tried to keep my problems to myself, I broke down and talked to my Hero about it. The biggest reason I didn’t want to is because I KNEW he’d fix it. And I didn’t want that. He has enough stuff on his own plate. But as I am blessed with his friendship, it is a curse that I cannot keep something like that from him. He came up with enough to take care of some things, coupled with me talking with my landlord to make arrangements with them for the month. So I haven’t yet gotten back to a great place, but I am at least managing for now.

I can’t lie; my faith is very still unstable. I have read and thought long and hard about the prayers and comments left here for me. Thank you all for your well wishes, they do mean a lot to me. I have struggled for so so long now, it’s hard to hold on to it. And at this moment in life, I don’t feel it. I can look back and see where He has led me, at times when no one else understood where He was directing me except me. I am not blind to those things, but I am unable to draw strength from those things right now. I just don’t feel anything. I have prayed, but I didn’t have any meaning behind it. I know you can say “If You are real, then show me a sign” I know that it doesn’t work like that. But I do not see Him in my life right now, and it’s one of the biggest tests of my faith ever. And I don’t know what the end result will be.


Blogger Searching for the Answers... said...

You are not alone in your struggle with faith. The times I am brought closest to God involve times when I have nothing left but pain and despair. He always picks me up and gets me going again. Sometimes my stubbornness prevents me from hearing God or living the life he wants me to lead. I don't think he ever said it would be easy, but it helps to have a strong support network of friends who have the same faith as you. Become involved in your church and as you watch God work miracles in the lives of others you might eventually open yourself up so he can work a miracle in your life too. I don't believe I am worth a miracle, but keep praying God will change my heart to prepare me for the wonderful things he has for me. I wish you the best in your journey and hope you find the answers you are looking for. God bless!

7:29 PM  
Blogger obifromsouthlondon said...

babes i'm happy you're good. i thought about the post and memories flooded back. felt a bit sad. but like they say no condition is permanent. You've got a very good guy in your Hero. like we say in London "yeah man he's ah proper, safe breddren still" ;)

Me and God don't get on so good no more. Got bones to pick with him. regardless of my cynicism belief in some being, someone is a good thing.

5:33 PM  
Blogger Quest4love said...

Thanks for your support. Yeah, He and I are really at odds right now. My close friends are counseling me almost round the clock...sigh...I just don't know

1:16 PM  
Blogger Juli said...

Oh girl. I have felt that before. Prayed and prayed and felt NOTHING. No response. Made me wonder if He was out there. But He lets us go through it. Don't you dare turn your back. You just keep your ears and eyes open, and do your best to do the right thing. Before you know it, He will be right back, all around you, and you will find it hard to believe that you felt this way for a time.

I promise.

Hugs! and keep the faith. Don't listen to the doubts. You know who that is.

2:04 AM  

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