Monday, October 03, 2005

Faith and hope isn't enough to save this one


There have been times throughout my life that if it were not for my son, I would be here writing this today. Not just because I have him, but because there is no one else I can entrust to raise him if I were not here. This moment is life is one of those moments. It would be so much easier to just no longer exist. People who know me, their lives would go on, they could survive. Only because I know my son would not have anyone to raise him in a way I would be accepting of am I still breathing.

I’m facing some very difficult times right now that’s forcing me to make some difficult choices. The school check I was supposed to get, I did not. They "reworked" my financial aid, and it left me owing instead of getting a refund. The money was designated to catch me up on my bills, finally, and get on track finally. I am now so far behind that I am more than likely going to have to give up my apartment. I simply can’t continue to pay the bills anymore, as far behind as I am.

Of course, I have the option of doing "other" things to make some money. I won't elaborate on the "other" options, but none of it is good to me or for me. Some people can do "that stuff" and not feel guilty or not feel judged or not develop insecuries. I'm not one of those people. I've done "other" thing in my past; off and on for the past almost 10 years. Mentally, I just don't think I can handle it anymore. The money is phenominal if you work it right, and over time, I can say in the right market, I can work in right. But not here in Atlanta; it's not all that safe here and I have too much at stake. Being locked up, I might as well not be breathing because it would still come down to my son being with any number of people that I DO NOT approve of.

I don't know where this leaves me. No one knows exactly how severe the problem is. Peaches knows I'm having trouble. My Hero have a little more insight into because he has pretty much taken over a bill. Neither knows I am about to lose my house. I can't be angry at him. As much as I wish that he and I were living together as we were supposed to before She got pregnant, it's not his responsibilty to take care of me or my son. I blame my son's father however for not contributing shit. But at this point, none of it matters. I already feel homeless. I know I shouldn't because Peaches would take me in if I gave up my apartment. And my Hero would put me somewhere if it came down to it. But I don't want anything from anyone. I almost want to suffer on my own. And if it was just me, I'd work it out. But I can't leave this area because of my son's school. He's in a program that I intend for him to stay in.

Sigh...my faith is not getting me where I need to be. A person can only struggle for so long before that faith begin to wane.

6 Comments:

Blogger Laylah Queen of the Night said...

You are now in my prayer rotation. This shall pass, soon enough. Our adverasies want our faith to wane. We need to counter that as much as we can, emerge victorius. This can only be done with steadfast faith. Stay strong.

10:51 PM  
Blogger Butterfly Jones said...

Girl I've been considering Prozac myself. I just graduated, have no job, and no income. And I'm feeling it. But as they say, the only way is up. Just when you think you can't take it anymore, you find the strength to do what you need to to get up out of the hole. God always provides for his own. Stop the struggling and start living.

5:22 PM  
Blogger LivingSingle said...

It saddens me to hear you talk like this. You are like the 2nd person today that I've come across today speaking of their faith waning. I hope this doesn't fall upon deaf ears, but don't lose faith...it is all that you have other than your son.

I will pray for you. Stay strong. You're a survivor...you can overcome this, I know it. I have faith in you ;)

1:00 AM  
Blogger obifromsouthlondon said...

quest thats deep and i'm feeling for you reading this post. fuck it you dont have to do "other" stuff to survive. I know when ish is real and I've been through it with no good memories just humility and trusting i'll be stronger the next time.

I don't know what your financial papers are like but you could try the credit card (and card hop for a year or so getting the new company to take the over the borrowing), loan route. and then file personal bankruptcy. Or even not so extreme like get a financial adviser to arrange a gradual repayment scheme to the owed parties. this way the borrowing sorts the house out (most important) and your son's got a roof. Also write to the tax people to see if you're owed some dollars. I got 800 quid back doing that. extreme measures. but these are extreme times. get grinding. and say a prayer.

11:18 PM  
Blogger Quest4love said...

All of your thoughts and prayers mean so much to me; thank you!

1:41 PM  
Blogger Olawunmi said...

sister, you need to hang in there; you need to be ther for you and your son; and you need to believe that the very same God who looks after the ants, birds and fish will look out for you. it breaks my heart to read your troubles, but through it all, i sense that you are a survivor. please be strong, and when its all passed away, you will recall these days and laugh.

As the mountains are around Jerusalem...

God bless you.

oli

6:06 PM  

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